Dan school

Lyrics

[mic slam] The school pickup line. [pause] The place where patience goes to DIE. I show up calm—windows down, music on, thinking, “I’m gonna be a good parent today.” [beat pause] Then some psycho in a Tahoe cuts me off like she’s drafting for NASCAR and I’m like, “Cool, JANET INVENTED TRAFFIC LAWS!” [crowd howls] It’s 3 p.m. but everyone’s acting like it’s the end of days. Moms doing three-point turns in emotional crisis. Dads blocking exits like they’re defending a castle. [crowd laughs] There’s always that one dude on speakerphone yelling, “Yeah, I’m in the line, bro!” like he’s in combat. [pause] Bro, you’re picking up a 6-year-old, not extracting hostages. [crowd howls] I got Karen in the Escalade trying to merge sideways like she’s solving a geometry problem. I swear she’s turning her blinker on just to manifest respect. [crowd wheezes] Then there’s the parent who parks, gets out, disappears into the school like they’re starring in Taken. [shouting] YOUR KID’S COMING OUT IN THIRTY SECONDS, LISA! WHY ARE YOU INSIDE?! [crowd dies] [leans in, half-whispering, twitching] The teachers… still smiling. Like they’re watching a live-action nature doc: “Here we see the suburban parent in its natural habitat—rage-idling.” [crowd laughs] Every day I tell myself, “Stay calm.” Then someone double-parks and suddenly I’m like, “I WILL END GENERATIONAL CURSES IN THIS PARKING LOT.” [crowd roars] [beat pause] It’s not a pickup line anymore—it’s the purge with PTO approval. [crowd screams] And when I finally grab my kid and escape the battlefield, I whisper to myself, “Cool. Janet invented peace.” [crowd howls, blackout]