Dan2

Lyrics

[mic slam, heavy breathing] I SWEAR. TO. GOD. every time I get in my car, I promise myself, “today I’m gonna stay calm.” [beat pause] 10 SECONDS later I’m screaming at a Kia Soul like it just ran over my childhood dreams. [crowd laughs nervously] WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! WHO LET THEM OUT HERE?! [crowd laughs] they’re braking for clouds! there’s NOTHING in front of them! I’m like, “you good? you see a ghost?!” [crowd howls] AND THE BLINKERS— use. your. BLINKERS. it’s ONE FLICK, TODD. ONE! NOT AN ESSAY! NOT A PUZZLE! IT’S NOT A CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN-ADVENTURE! [crowd wheezes] every day I pass people texting, eating, doing their taxes— one lady was PAINTING HER NAILS. AT 70 MPH! I’m over here like, “COOL, CAN YOU DO MY WILL WHILE YOU’RE AT IT?!” [crowd dying] [leans in, whisper-yell] and don’t get me started on the people who drive slow in the fast lane. [screams] WHY! ARE! YOU! HERE!!! if you’re going 58 in the left lane, you should have to register as a public nuisance. [crowd howls] I’m behind them, twitching, plotting… thinking about inventing vehicular laser beams. just pew pew — remove them from existence. [crowd loses it] then I pass them and it’s some guy eating a granola bar with both hands. BOTH! HANDS! who taught you? who raised you? what tribe is this?! [crowd dying] [beat pause, panting] and parking lots? oh don’t even get me STARTED— that’s where the truly unhinged gather. people driving diagonally across six lanes like geometry’s a suggestion. moms in Suburbans backing up at the speed of light. I’m like, “this is how dinosaurs went extinct.” [crowd wheezes] I honk once—just once—and they look at me like I’m the problem. [shouts] NO, BRENDA, I’M HONKING BECAUSE I VALUE HUMAN LIFE!!! [crowd screaming laughter] [leans in, whispering, shaking] I park. turn the car off. breathe. think it’s over. [beat pause] then someone swings their door into mine. [crowd groans] I swear, I see static in my vision. I’m like, “this is it. this is my villain origin story.” [crowd howls] [screaming crescendo] I HATE ALL OF YOU. but also, I AM YOU. [crowd dies laughing] I cut people off too! I speed! I roll stops! I’M THE MONSTER I FEAR!!! [crowd screaming applause] [leans in, whisper-tired] …but I still hope everyone else on the road steps on a Lego. [crowd erupts, standing ovation, mic drop]