Not Home Now

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[Intro] The door shut soft, but I still hit the floor Boots by the heater, dust under the sole Mama says, “You’re home now,” like home is a switch I nod at the kitchen table and stare through it [Verse 1] I came back with a duffel and a government check A scar on my shoulder, a knot in my neck The welcome sign faded above County Road Nine But every brake light blooms like a warning flare in my mind I sleep with the hallway lit, knife beside the bed Count every window, check the locks again My little girl draws suns in yellow crayon I turn the paper over when the smoke starts coming [Pre-Chorus] You ask me what I saw, I say, “Not much” Some answers leave a stain when you touch them [Chorus] I’m home, but the war won’t let me go It lives in the walls and the undertow When the kettle screams, I’m back in the dust When the night gets quiet, it opens me up Tell my brothers I’m breathing, tell my wife I’m trying There’s a man in this house, but he’s still out there fighting I came back alive, but I don’t know how I’m standing in the doorway and I’m not home now [Verse 2] The church calls Sunday, I park two blocks away Too many sudden footsteps, too much light on faces My buddy keeps calling from a number I know I watch it ring until the screen goes black and cold At the feed store, somebody drops a crate My hands move first, my heart arrives late The cashier says, “Sorry,” I say, “It’s alright” Then spend the drive home arguing with the passenger side [Pre-Chorus] You ask me where I’ve been, I say, “On the road” Some ghosts wear sand, some wear a name I know [Chorus] I’m home, but the war won’t let me go It lives in the walls and the undertow When the kettle screams, I’m back in the dust When the night gets quiet, it opens me up Tell my brothers I’m breathing, tell my wife I’m trying There’s a man in this house, but he’s still out there fighting I came back alive, but I don’t know how I’m standing in the doorway and I’m not home now [Rap Breakdown] I got a clean shirt, clean record, clean bed Still wake up reaching for a helmet instead They gave me a ribbon, a handshake, a plane Nobody taught my nervous system to forget the flames I know this porch, this road, this town But the ground feels wrong when the sun goes down If I say I’m fine, don’t let me disappear Sit on the steps, keep your voice right here [Metal Breakdown] Don’t call it over! Don’t call me healed! The battlefield moved beneath my skin And every doorway is a field! [Bridge] My daughter puts her hand on mine Says, “Daddy, stay until the morning light” I tell her, “I’m here,” though my throat goes numb For one small breath, I believe what I’ve become [Final Chorus] I’m home, and the war still pulls below But I’m learning the shape of the road I know When the kettle screams, I reach for the cup When the night gets quiet, I tell it, “Enough” Tell my brothers I’m breathing, tell my wife I’m trying There’s a man in this house, and he’s done with the hiding I came back alive, and I’m finding out how To stand in the doorway and come all the way home now [Outro] Boots by the heater, dust under the sole Morning through the window, slow and pale gold The door stays open, the room stays still I’m not free yet—but I will