Lyrics

(to the tune of a power anthem or over-the-top slow jam)

(Verse 1)
Got my 609s laced tight, socks pulled to the skies,
Struttin’ past the hydrangeas with that deadbeat-dad pride.
Mowed it low, edged it clean, lines straighter than my spine,
Spent more time on this turf than I ever did on my wife.

(Chorus)
Call me the Lord of the Lawn, the Grasshole Supreme,
Whippin’ that Toro like it’s part of a wet dream.
Neighbors jealous, wives annoyed, but I don’t give a damn,
‘Cause this Kentucky Bluegrass makes me feel like The Man.
Trimmin’ hedges while my marriage dies—
But look at this fin’ lawn, it brings tears to your eyes.*

(Verse 2)
Backyard’s a battlefield, and my blower’s the sword,
Bill next door got stripes, but I got checkerboard.
His wife left him last fall—but damn, that turf’s still tight,
He cried on my shoulder, then we watered all night.

(Bridge)
Yeah, she says “We never talk,” I say “Baby, I’m mulchin’,”
She says “Let’s see a movie,” I say “I’m dethatchin’, honey.”
Got no time for your feelings, I’m in lawn domination,
And thatch ain’t the only thing I’m baggin’ with no hesitation.

(Outro)
So here’s to the dads with the dad bods and pride,
With their soil-tested secrets and riding mowers they ride.
The HOA hates us, the wives want divorce—
But our grass is so thick, even God changed his course.

Fertilized fury, suburban porn—
We’re the nerdy-ass kings of your neighborhood lawn.