The Dashing Decoy

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[Intro – Spoken, deep American male narrator] There was a truckload of whiskey that didn't belong to us... And a sheriff determined to stop it. But we had a little surprise waiting for him! [Fast banjo, country bass and drums] [Verse 1 – Male country narrator] There was forty thousand dollars' worth of whiskey in a truck, Rolling down the highway in the dead of night, We had to cross the state line, and we'd need a little luck, Before the morning sun came shining bright. The sheriff knew our business, and he'd set himself a trap, With patrol cars waiting down the road, But we had a little secret that would put us on the map, And distract him from that precious booze-filled load! [Verse 2 – Male country narrator] We had a pink Cadillac with fins a mile wide, And a driver dressed in lavender and lace, With a feather in his Stetson, and a poodle by his side, And a great big smile upon his made-up face. He said, "Leave the sheriff to me, boys, I'll give him quite a show!" Then he winked and blew a kiss into the air, He fired up that Cadillac and shouted, "Here we go!" And adjusted the silky ribbon in his hair! [Chorus – Sung, male country narrator] GO, PINK CADDY-LACK! Keep that sheriff on your tail! GO, PINK CADDY-LACK! Keep our whiskey out of jail! He's got his lights a-flashing, And his sirens blaring out, While a truckload full of whiskey Slips away a different route! [Verse 3 – Male country narrator] He went flying past the sheriff doing ninety-five, With his radio playing Tammy Wynette, The sheriff hit his siren and stuck it into drive, Said, "That's one little punk I'm gonna get!" [Music stops – Spoken dialogue] [Sheriff – Angry gruff male, spoken] "THIS IS SHERIFF JOHNSON! PULL OVER!" [Camp Driver – High-pitched flamboyant male, SPOKEN ONLY] "Ooooh, darling! You sound terribly excited!" [Sheriff – Angry, spoken] "YOU'RE BREAKING THE LAW!" [Camp Driver – Camp male, spoken] "Well, sweetie, so is that moustache!" [Music resumes] [Verse 4 – Male country narrator] The sheriff called for backup from the counties all around, Said, "Block the interstate, don't let him through!" But that Cadillac was dancing through the streets of Millerstown, While the sheriff's face was red and language blue. He cornered him at a junction, thought he'd finally won the day, But the Cadillac reversed and headed back, The driver blew a kiss and said, "I'm going the other way!" And left him choking on the dust from that dirt track! [Camp Driver – High-pitched camp male, spoken] "Toodle-oo, sugar! Catch me if you can!" [Chorus – Male country narrator] GO, PINK CADDY-LACK! Keep that sheriff on your tail! GO, PINK CADDY-LACK! Keep our whiskey out of jail! He's got his lights a-flashing, And his sirens blaring out, While a truckload full of whiskey Slips away a different route! [Bridge – Quiet banjo, narrator] Meanwhile, twenty miles behind them, That truck was rolling free, The driver checked his mirror, Not a cop car could he see. [Trucker – Low American male, spoken CB radio] "Breaker one-nine, whiskey wagon calling Pink Flamingo. We're across the state line, buddy. Wrap it up!" [Camp Driver – High-pitched camp male, spoken] "Ooooh, lovely! I'm tired of playing hard to get!" [Fast banjo instrumental] [Verse 5 – Male country narrator] The sheriff finally caught him at a little roadside bar, Where the Cadillac was parked beneath a tree, He stormed across the pavement, said, "Get out of that damn car!" But the driver smiled and said, "Do you mean lil old me?" [Music stops – Spoken dialogue] [Sheriff – Furious male, spoken] "YOU'VE HAD HALF THE COUNTY CHASING YOU!" [Camp Driver – High-pitched camp male, spoken] "Oh, sheriff! I had no idea I was so popular!" [Sheriff – Angry, spoken] "WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN RUNNING FOR?" [Camp Driver – Flamboyant male, spoken] "Running? Darling, I thought we were flirting!" [Final Verse – Male country narrator] Then a message came across the sheriff's radio that night, Said, "That whiskey truck has crossed the county line!" The sheriff dropped his hat and turned a very funny white, While the driver said, "Oh, honey, you'll be fine!" He straightened up his Stetson, and gave a cheeky grin, Said, "Sheriff, now don't you look so glum, You spent the night pursuing me, while the boys were cashing in, But I'm afraid our little romance is done!" [Final Chorus – Male country narrator] GO, PINK CADDY-LACK! You kept that sheriff on your tail! GO, PINK CADDY-LACK! Kept our whiskey out of jail! He had his lights a-flashing, And his sirens made a din, While that truck of whiskey crossed the border, And we were cashing in! [Outro – Spoken only] [Trucker – Low male CB voice] "Breaker one-nine... Anybody need a drink?" [Camp Driver – High-pitched flamboyant male, spoken] "Ooooh! Make mine a DOUBLE, darling!" [Country guitar sting – End]