
[mic slam] The school pickup line. [pause] The place where patience goes to DIE. I show up calmâwindows down, music on, thinking, âIâm gonna be a good parent today.â [beat pause] Then some psycho in a Tahoe cuts me off like sheâs drafting for NASCAR and Iâm like, âCool, JANET INVENTED TRAFFIC LAWS!â [crowd howls] Itâs 3 p.m. but everyoneâs acting like itâs the end of days. Moms doing three-point turns in emotional crisis. Dads blocking exits like theyâre defending a castle. [crowd laughs] Thereâs always that one dude on speakerphone yelling, âYeah, Iâm in the line, bro!â like heâs in combat. [pause] Bro, youâre picking up a 6-year-old, not extracting hostages. [crowd howls] I got Karen in the Escalade trying to merge sideways like sheâs solving a geometry problem. I swear sheâs turning her blinker on just to manifest respect. [crowd wheezes] Then thereâs the parent who parks, gets out, disappears into the school like theyâre starring in Taken. [shouting] YOUR KIDâS COMING OUT IN THIRTY SECONDS, LISA! WHY ARE YOU INSIDE?! [crowd dies] [leans in, half-whispering, twitching] The teachers⊠still smiling. Like theyâre watching a live-action nature doc: âHere we see the suburban parent in its natural habitatârage-idling.â [crowd laughs] Every day I tell myself, âStay calm.â Then someone double-parks and suddenly Iâm like, âI WILL END GENERATIONAL CURSES IN THIS PARKING LOT.â [crowd roars] [beat pause] Itâs not a pickup line anymoreâitâs the purge with PTO approval. [crowd screams] And when I finally grab my kid and escape the battlefield, I whisper to myself, âCool. Janet invented peace.â [crowd howls, blackout]
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