The Panty Conspiracy

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[Spoken Intro] Gentlemen… There are mysteries science cannot explain. Stonehenge. The Bermuda Triangle. And why there’s a pair of panties… HANGING FROM THE CEILING FAN! [Verse 1] She’s got twenty-seven pairs in a dresser drawer, But somehow every morning she still needs more. There’s one on the lamp and one on the chair, One in the bathroom—I don’t know how it got there! One became a scrunchie in a fashion emergency, Another disappeared sometime in 2023. One’s hanging from the shower like a victory flag, And three went on vacation in an overnight bag! **[Pre-Chorus]** Cotton, lace, polka dots, Apparently they’ve got assigned parking spots! Bathroom, bedroom, kitchen sink— I stopped asking questions ’cause I’m scared to think! [Chorus] It’s the **PANTY CONSPIRACY!** They’re showing up in places they should never be! Under the couch! Behind the TV! How’d one get inside the Christmas tree?! It’s the **PANTY CONSPIRACY!** Laundry-room paranormal activity! You wash twenty pairs, But you fold nineteen— WHERE DID NUMBER TWENTY GO?! Nobody’s seen! [Verse 2] She’ll buy a fancy pair and say, “These cost a lot!” Then save ’em for an occasion that apparently forgot. Meanwhile the comfortable pair from ten years ago Has survived three apartments and refuses to go! There’s the “laundry day” pair, The “these will do” pair, The ones she bought online because the model looked fair. The “why did I buy these?” shoved way in the back, And the legendary granny pair built like a parachute pack! [Spoken] Those aren’t underwear. That’s emergency camping equipment. [Chorus] It’s the PANTY CONSPIRACY! An unsolved case of domestic mystery! On the towel rack! On the bedroom floor! HOW DID ONE GET CAUGHT IN THE CLOSET DOOR?! It’s the **PANTY CONSPIRACY!** Forget Bigfoot—THIS is what I wanna see! Scientists searching the galaxy, Come investigate THE PANTY CONSPIRACY! [Bridge] [Fast Comedy] [Breakdown] One for sleeping! One for the gym! One bought because the chances looked slim! One for dresses! One “just because!” One she can’t remember whose brand it was! One says Tuesday— It’s Saturday night! Apparently calendars are merely a polite Suggestion when selecting underwear— WAIT A MINUTE… [Music Stops] Why is there a pair ON MY REARVIEW MIRROR?! [Voice from Background] “DON’T TOUCH THOSE!” [Singer] I wasn’t gonna! [Big Final Chorus] It’s the **PANTY CONSPIRACY!** The greatest mystery in human history! They migrate south! They disappear! Then suddenly twelve of ’em magically appear! It’s the PANTY CONSPIRACY! A classified domestic emergency! Call the FBI! Call Scotland Yard! There’s leopard-print evidence OUT IN THE YARD! [Outro] So gentlemen, remember when you're living together, Some questions shouldn't be asked… ever. If you find mysterious panties somewhere strange, Don't investigate. Don't move them. Don't even make eye contact. Just slowly back away… [Woman shouting from another room] “HEY! HAVE YOU SEEN MY GOOD UNDERWEAR?!” [Singer] …Which ones?! [Woman] “YOU KNOW WHICH ONES!” [Singer] I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT! [Final Hit] THE PANTY CONSPIRACY!