Mystery Thumb

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[Intro] Wait—hold up What is that? [Verse 1] You slid that cup across the table like a prize I took one look and nearly left my body behind Your little grin said, “Girl, you know what this is” I said, “I know what it isn’t—don’t insult my intelligence” There’s a mystery puddle by the bathroom sink And everybody’s quiet, so I know what they think You call it an accident, I call it evidence Put a lid on that situation, use some common sense [Pre-Chorus] No, no, no, back it up Why’s it cloudy? Why’s it warm? Why’s it in my cup? I came here for a good time, not a science fair If you brought that mess in here, take it elsewhere [Chorus] Ew! What the fuck! Is that cum? Why’s it on the couch? Where’d it come from? Ew! What the fuck! Is that cum? Don’t touch me with your mystery thumb Ew! What the fuck! Is that cum? Everybody freeze till the cleanup comes Ew! What the fuck! Is that cum? I’m leaving with my purse and my dignity—run! [Verse 2] You said, “Relax, babe, it’s probably just lotion” Then why’d you hide the towel like you’re covering a felony? I’m not a detective, but the clues look loud And your nervous little laugh just confessed in front of the crowd Toss the blanket, spray the chair, open every window Call your roommate, call your mother, call the whole damn rental I wore brand-new shoes, now I’m standing on the ottoman This party turned disgusting in the time it took to say, “Aw, come on, man” [Pre-Chorus] No, no, no, back it up Why’s it cloudy? Why’s it warm? Why’s it in my cup? I came here for a good time, not a science fair If you brought that mess in here, take it elsewhere [Chorus] Ew! What the fuck! Is that cum? Why’s it on the couch? Where’d it come from? Ew! What the fuck! Is that cum? Don’t touch me with your mystery thumb Ew! What the fuck! Is that cum? Everybody freeze till the cleanup comes Ew! What the fuck! Is that cum? I’m leaving with my purse and my dignity—run! [Bridge] Black light on, everybody take three steps back No fingerprints, no samples, no snacks from that snack pack You can keep your explanations, keep your alibi I’m not signing any witness statement tonight [Final Chorus] Ew! What the fuck! Is that cum? Why’s it on the couch? Where’d it come from? Ew! What the fuck! Is that cum? Don’t touch me with your mystery thumb Ew! What the fuck! Is that cum? Everybody freeze till the cleanup comes Ew! What the fuck! Is that cum? I’m leaving with my purse and my dignity—run! [Outro] Nope—absolutely not. Somebody clean this house.