Redemption on a Rusty Trail

Lyrics

Alexandra, i want you to know how exciting it is to think that there is a possibility that I can be back in your life that there is a possibility to have a healthy safe relationship with you that today, I do not have to question I can trust you, without allowing my past experiences and trauma dictate and control my life which has prevented me to be a part of you and experience what life has to offer. Accept that I’ve allowed trauma control everything in my life, especially my father and the narrative that i’ve come up with to not only prove him right, including other family members.  wrong to allow myself to be OK that his past experiences is never going to allow myself to experience and our family and our children The way I have dreamt and insanely expected over all these years to take away what is available, possible and there is today and always was time for me to grow and be a part of it. That as long as two people are open to it in willing to communicate. That I have Handicap and have been a victim in all of this that I’ve truly have sat back and have felt sorry for myself in a way that knowing me and at times have used my past and trauma to manipulate you and my children and myself and anybody that would listen. But today I can guarantee you and myself that since I’m in the know and clear with myself that just because I thought in the past, I was doing everything right that I am very lucky that I realize that I know it was all wrong and at the very least I need to take this opportunity for myself to at least going forward to do something different so I can Live of life than I deserve that I’ve always deserved without feeling scared and terrified that I’m gonna be all alone that I can be with you Alexandra can allow myself to be loved by you that I can love myself that I am good enough. I am good enough for you. I’m enough for me. I can’t even believe I am saying this in this email that I am good enough for me that I don’t have to be good enough for everybody that I’m not supposed to be good enough for everybody that first in foremost I have to be good enough for me. I have to know that I am good enough and after you realize that you are good enough for yourself and you are OK that by loving yourself first and foremost that then. you can’t be secure and love someone else that my love is not for everybody that when you give love to somebody, you are giving your heart, you are giving commitment. You are giving trust. You are giving honor. You are showing up that you are making their needs come first that you don’t have to worry about being taken advantage of used and thrown away.without feeling like I’m going to be abandoned or disregarded by you that people change that just because marriage and friendship that I can say anything to you and trust you no matter what that you don’t have to hide your true feelings or have to play chess or a game with me because of a past experiences. I know with me going forward if you choose to have me in your life, whether it be your husband or your friend at the very least your best friend that if you choose to that, I can know that I don’t have to live in the past, and you don’t have to live in the past and respond to the past you and I have experienced and responded to each othe. I will and can move to the future and the present that I know and I’ve always known if you say that you’re going to do something and let something go and move forward that you are going to do that. I have no right and don’t question you are subjects or situations that I have created for myself and for you. That I have intentionally have made decisions and have responded to you based on what I did to you and manipulatively try to Create a narrative that it’s your fault and you are the person contradicting yourself based on how you live your life not taking responsibility that what I’ve done has made it this way that you carry and carried yourself in a way that you don’t love me the same way I love you. You choose one over another and that it is your fault. This is my life and here are the results 28-29 years later at least with you. These choices I have made in my life, and I have projected all of these horrible experiences on you and that you are not gonna forget my pass you will hold me accountable from my past, but you will not make that be you in our present that you are if you choose to be with me after you heal after, I heal and I do the work that I need to do to fix the process that goes on in my brain that you will look at me for my present for our present for our view, and the future that we see with each other that we will communicate we will acknowledge or at least try to acknowledge each other‘s feelings and talk about how our feelings are important that if there’s something that I do that you know that what you are saying to me that I am looking at what I’ve done in my past to you and what it looks like that you will make every effort to try and talk to me about how you are feeling