Manage your expectations

Lyrics

Long ago, beside the River Mersey, Where the analysers hummed all day, There walked a man named Peter Reed, Who always asked, "Why?" He carried the Sword of Common Sense. He climbed the Mountain of Logic. He feared no meeting. He questioned every pointless rule. The Elders whispered... "This one still thinks..." Ohhhh... The wind blows through Liverpool Clinical Laboratories. The samples keep on flowing. The meetings never end. The wise become weary. The stubborn become patient. And every rebel... Eventually books another Teams meeting. Then Peter vanished. One moon. Two moons. Seven moons. Fourteen moons. The village waited. The QC drifted. The Levey-Jennings charts wandered. Westgard rules cried out. The action logs multiplied. The meetings grew longer. The analysers sighed. The Biomedical Scientists looked to the horizon each morning. "When will Elder Reed return?" "When will Common Sense return?" Hope slowly faded. Then... One misty morning... Peter returned. The villagers cheered. "The hero has returned!" "He shall restore the laboratory!" "He shall save the QC!" But... Something was different. His Outlook calendar was completely full. His Teams status glowed forever green. His smile was calm. Too calm. He softly whispered... "Let's arrange a meeting." The cheering stopped. The moulding was complete. The High Elder handed Peter the First Scroll. It read... "To stop discrimination... ...you must practise positive discrimination." Peter scratched his head. "But... ...isn't that still discrimination?" The Elder smiled peacefully. "Yes." Peter paused. Then slowly nodded. "Wonderful." The whole village applauded. A committee was immediately formed... ...to discuss whether discrimination was still discrimination if the word positive came first. The Second Scroll declared... "If treating everybody equally feels unequal... Treat everybody unequally... Until everybody agrees it is equal." Nobody understood. Everybody agreed. Minutes were taken. Three action logs were created. A follow-up meeting was booked. The Third Scroll proclaimed... "If one member of staff requests it... It shall be done." Peter asked, "Even if it delays patient care?" The Elder replied, "Especially then... ...because everybody will feel heard." Peter bowed. "I understand." Another policy was written. Ohhhh... The wind blows through Liverpool Clinical Laboratories. The samples keep on flowing. The meetings never end. The wise become weary. The stubborn become patient. And every rebel... Eventually books another Teams meeting. In the old days Peter would ask, "Will this improve the laboratory?" Now he asks, "Has every single person been consulted?" If one person said no... The project stopped. If one person preferred the slower way... The slower way became policy. If patient results were delayed... The minutes simply recorded... "Excellent engagement." One scientist cried, "But Peter! This makes the service worse!" Peter smiled gently. "Yes... ...but everybody feels included." The room erupted with applause. The analysers sighed quietly. Then Peter climbed the Sacred Mountain of Artificial Intelligence. He bowed before the Great Machine. "Oh Wise AI... Write my SOP." The Machine replied... "Certainly. Would you also like... A competency package. A validation protocol. A business continuity plan. Three risk assessments. An equality impact assessment. Four meeting agendas. Seven appendices. And minutes for meetings that have not yet happened?" Peter smiled. "This is the future." Soon Peter no longer wrote documents. He prompted them. He no longer answered emails. He prompted them. He no longer attended meetings. He chaired meetings... About preparing... For future meetings. Now the young Biomedical Scientists gather before him. "Master Reed... What is the secret to wisdom?" Peter gazes across the humming analysers. He closes his laptop. He accepts another Teams invitation. And quietly says... "The laboratory processes samples... The meetings process people." Ohhhh... The wind blows through Liverpool Clinical Laboratories. The samples keep on flowing. The meetings never end. He fought the machine. He questioned the machine. He challenged the machine. Until one faithful day... He became... The machine. And the Teams notification chimed once more... As another meeting... Was arranged...