Jasons radar

Songtext

LIEUTENANT RADAR BONER [Verse 1] Jason grew a beard and bought some tacticool shit, Thought, “Captain Price? Yeah, I’m basically it.” Stares in the mirror with his serious face, But instead of Captain Price, it’s Ron Jeremy on base. Got the porn-stache swagger and the thousand-yard stare, But he’s just a lieutenant with government-issued underwear. Walks into briefing like he’s leading the SAS, Then loses his coffee and blames DSCB’s ass. [Pre-Chorus] DSCB — what the fuck does that mean? Jason’s explained it nineteen times since half-past three. By explanation number twenty, nobody gives a damn, ’Cause he’s already talking radar like it’s premium OnlyFans. [Chorus] Oh Jason loves his GM400, More than his house, his wife, or anyone. He strokes that console like a horny old man, Whispers, “Give Daddy a track whenever you can.” GM400, spinning round and round, Jason gets a hard-on when it paints the battleground. His wife says, “Baby, why don’t you look at me that way?” He says, “Can you detect aircraft from three hundred clicks away?” [Verse 2] Then two Army boys went walking where they shouldn’t fucking be, Right through Mister Radar’s invisible barbecue spree. One said, “Fuck me, boys, I’m feeling warm inside,” The other checked his nuts to see if they’d been microwave-fried. Jason came running: “HEY! THAT WASN’T MY PLAN!” While two confused soldiers started tanning from within, man. “I swear it wasn’t deliberate! I didn’t want ’em cooked!” But Jason’s Air Force, so naturally everybody looked. The Army boys were yelling, “Who turned on the grill?!” Jason shrugged and said, “Well… nobody actually got killed.” That’s a pretty fucking low bar for operational success, But apparently at DSCB that counts as “minor workplace stress.” [Chorus] Oh Jason loves his GM400, More than his house, his wife, or anyone. He strokes that console like a horny old man, Whispers, “Give Daddy a track whenever you can.” GM400, buzzing through the sky, Cooking fucking privates while the lieutenant wonders why. His wife sends hearts; he leaves her on read, But if the radar throws a fault code, Jason jumps straight out of bed. [Verse 3] Jason’s brain runs checklists like a German fucking train, Every tiny fucking detail gets repeated once again. “Did you log it? Did you check it? Did you check the check you checked?” By Friday half the section’s emotionally fucking wrecked. He organizes pencils by tactical intent, Makes a twelve-slide briefing on where the coffee went. If somebody says, “Relax,” Jason starts another sheet, With seventeen subparagraphs explaining why relaxing’s incomplete. His crew don’t need an enemy, insurgents, war, or strife, They’ve got Lieutenant Jason micromanaging their life. The Geneva Convention should add another fucking rule: “No man shall explain the same PowerPoint twice before lunch at school.” [Bridge] Captain Price has missions. Ron Jeremy had porn. Jason’s got a radar And a checklist every morn. Price has got his Bravo Six, Jason’s got Excel. And if you walk behind his radar— Well… you might feel warm as hell. [Breakdown] “Jason, what do you love?” “THE RADAR!” “What about your wife?” “…THE RADAR!” “What about DSCB?” “THE FUCK DOES THAT STAND FOR AGAIN?” “And those two Army guys?” “THEY’RE FUCKING FINE!” [Final Chorus] Oh Jason loves his GM400, That big grey bastard is his number one. He’d renew his vows with the antenna if he could, Take it on honeymoon and fuck off into the woods. GM400, Jason’s metal bride, He wants Captain Price but got Ron Jeremy vibes. Just a simple lieutenant with a tactical dream, And two Army boys who got internally steamed. [Outro] So here’s to Jason, king of DSCB, Whatever the fuck those letters happen to mean. Air Force officer, radar Romeo, Keeping NATO safe… one accidental barbecue at a time.