Lyrics

I never suspected there was anything off about her
In the beginning.
I mean, yeah, she said she designed her own custom-made earrings for special occasions, y'know, like our first date.
I guess I may have looked over the fact that she said those ones were incredibly special, since they were designed out of the bleached finger bones of a group of carefully selected dead human beings.
Maybe it was my nerves, since I hadn't been on a proper date in a long, long time, but for the life of me, how could I not see the veritable cluster of massive, bright red flags that were inches in front of my very face, snapping and whipping it violently each time they were caught up in a gust of wind?! I guess I'd better pay more attention next time around...

Well, I really began to take notice of some of those subtle hints on our second date.
I probably should've started to figure things out when she showed up forty minutes late.
She apologized, then told me it was 'cause she had been arguing with Melvin about whether or not her Grandma's vagina produced a rare, one-of-a-kind oil that could cure all cancer.
Well, I felt bad for being so mad before I heard her explanation.
Then she got sad, went straight home, and fukt her Dad, then came back, and said, "Hey, let's go on a vacation!"
Upon this suggestion, I felt we'd reached a junction where two paths crossed to become one.
So then we got to packin', thinkin' 'bout relaxin', and havin' a shih-tload of fun.
And I said, "Babe, I'm impressed! You know just how to address such a tense situation!"
She answered, "Well, fukken' duh! Yes! Although I must confess, Melvin's gonna have to tag along for the whole vacation."
Then I stared into her wide and darting eyes, and thought silently in my head, "Who in the fokk is this 'Melvin?..'"

Well, the mystery of Melvin was soon to be revealed.
She said I'd meet him on our flight to Barbados, and that he was real.
And by that time, I'd learned not to question her strong convictions,
'Cause whenever I did, she'd start verbally abusin' all the moths in the kitchen.
Then she'd lock herself in the bathroom, and cry alone for hours,
Durin' which all them moths she yelled at would encircle me, and start their neverendin' bit qaààààAAAAAGGHchin...

Three seats, side-by-side-by-side.
She took the aisle, I had the window, and the middle seat was Melvin's.
I started gettin' pretty nervous,
'Cause each seat costed me like seven-hundred dollars, and if he didn't show up, I wasn't gettin' no refund, and that was seven bills worth of that pure Barbados yay-yo that we coulda been Hoover-ing on a sun-drenched beach until we started to screech, and sanity was outta reach, and I started French kissin' leeches, and you'd start dressin' us up like cree choorz,
and that woulda been much more fun than hostin' a tagalong,
And to be honest, I didn't really understand why you invited that little fayg along.
I'm just sayin' he'd better show up soon,
Or it won't just be your poo-see I'm bangin' on.