Lyrics

“Hey babe, can we talk? You seem upset and I’m not sure what’s going on…”

“I heard that at your job you use a fake voice and name.”

“…Wait. Are you seriously mad because of my work voice?”

“Not mad, just… confused. Like, why can’t I get the fancy Jessalyn treatment too? She’s like you, but with upgraded settings. 10/10 would call again.”

“Hold on. So you’re saying my normal voice is the discount version?”

“Not discount, just… Jessalyn’s got that smooth, professional vibe. I feel like I’m talking to a CEO, or a flight attendant who has her life together.”

“Babe, Jessalyn isn’t real. She’s just my customer service voice for work.”

“Yeah, but Jessalyn sounds like she reads self-help books and drinks green smoothies. Like, she knows how to fold a fitted sheet. I respect that.”

“…You do realize I’m not going to start role-playing as Jessalyn at home, right?”

“Why not? She’s nice, polite, soothing. Honestly, I feel like I could tell her all my problems.”

“Okay, how about this: I’ll do my Jessalyn voice if you start doing all your chores in a butler voice. ‘Yes, madam, right away, madam.’ Deal?”

“Only if Jessalyn asks for it. She’s got more pull than you right now.”

“Okay, here we go: ‘Hi, thank you for calling. Your request for a new voice has been denied. Please contact reality during normal business hours.’”

“See? That’s what I’m talking about. Jessalyn wouldn’t hang up on me like that. She’d say, ‘I’m so sorry, how can I assist you today?’”

“Jessalyn is this close to filing a noise complaint against you. Watch it.”

“Jessalyn’s a saint. Your regular voice? She’s… a little sassier. Jessalyn would never sass me.”

“Sass? Oh, you want sass? How about, ‘Thank you for your request. Unfortunately, all dinner-making privileges have been revoked. Have a nice day.’”

“…But Jessalyn wouldn’t say no like that! She’d probably be like, ‘Let me see what I can do.’”

“Alright, fine. Let me bring Karen into the chat. She wants to speak to your manager, and she’s not impressed with the service here.”

“Wait… where’s Jessalyn? I was just getting used to her.”

“She’s on vacation. Karen’s taking over, and she’s deleting your Spotify playlist as we speak.”

“Not the playlist! Please, let’s talk this out, Karen.”

“Too late. Karen’s on the phone with your boss, and she’s filing multiple complaints.”

“…Can Jessalyn come back? I miss her already.”

“Only if you agree to cook dinner tonight.”

“Sigh Fine, I’ll cook. But next time? I’m making a reservation with Jessalyn. She’s way easier to deal with.”

“And next time, you’re getting Brenda. And she doesn’t care about your feelings.”

“…I’m terrified of Brenda.”

“As you should be.”