The Dirt

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[Verse 1] I slept light before I knew why Knew every creak in the hall Could tell by the weight of a footstep If trouble was coming at all I learned faces like weather Could feel when the temperature changed Before I knew what danger meant My body already knew its name Nobody had to tell me Somebody might disappear I knew the shape of abandonment Before I had a word for fear So don’t ask why I’m watching When there’s nothing there to see I’ve spent my whole damn life Waiting on the thing that’s coming for me [Chorus] I was scared first Then I got jealous Then something in my chest got hurt Then I felt helpless Then I felt small Then I got angry So angry don’t look like fear at all And that’s the trick of it, baby That’s the curse By the time you see the fire I was scared first [Verse 2] I know everybody ain’t lying I know everybody won’t leave But there’s a difference between what I know And what this old heart believes Hell, I don’t even trust myself With the things I feel inside I can turn a shadow into evidence And convince myself it’s right I’ll see loyalty I wish I had And envy comes creeping in Then I’m ashamed for wanting it And the anger starts again ‘Cause shame makes a man feel naked And naked ain’t safe to me So I’d rather have you think I’m mean Than let you watch me bleed [Chorus] I was scared first Then I got jealous Then something in my chest got hurt Then I felt helpless Then I felt small Then I got angry So angry don’t look like fear at all You think you’re fighting a grown man But that’s not always how it works Sometimes you’re standing in front of a little boy Who was scared first [Verse 3] Trust feels like handing somebody A loaded gun and turning around Saying, “Here’s every place you can kill me— Promise you won’t make a sound” And maybe that’s crazy thinking Maybe that’s no way to live But every piece of trust I’ve got Feels like something I can’t give ’Cause if I never believe you You can never prove me wrong If I expect you to leave me I can say I knew all along There’s a miserable kind of comfort In expecting the worst Can’t be abandoned twice If I abandon you first [Bridge] I wasn’t born with my fists up I wasn’t born checking doors I wasn’t born wondering Who loved somebody more I wasn’t born suspicious I wasn’t born ashamed Somebody taught my nervous system That love and leaving felt the same Before my legs could carry me I knew arms could let me fall Before I ever learned “forever” I learned forever ain’t forever at all So when you tell me that you love me Part of me wants to believe And another part starts counting All the reasons you might leave [Breakdown — almost spoken] Envy. Shame. Anger. Fear. Jealousy. Hurt. Vulnerable. Anger. Always anger. Everybody sees the last thing. Nobody sees what came before. They hear me yelling in the kitchen. They don’t see that little boy standing barefoot in the hallway trying to figure out who’s leaving this time. [Final Chorus] I was scared first Before the jealousy Before I said those things That don’t sound anything like me Before I slammed the door Before I made you cry Before I swore I didn’t need you While needing you inside And I know you’re not the people Who taught me what hurt was worth But knowing ain’t believing When you’ve been scared since birth So if you see me turning angry Before you decide what I’m worth— Just know somewhere underneath it I was scared first [Outro] I still sleep light. Still know every sound. Still watch the doorway When nobody’s around. You tell me, “Nobody’s leaving.” And God, I want that to be true. But I learned abandonment Before I learned love… And I’m still trying to learn the difference.