Lyrics

[Verse 1]
I laid my towel out with pride and care,
Brought the rosé, put gel in my hair.
Slapped on SPF like I meant to glow,
And aimed my arse where the sun might show.

I’m greased up like a Christmas ham,
Ready to fry on my patio jam.
But just as that golden ball peeks through —
BAM! Cloud says, “Nah mate, not for you.”

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[Chorus]
Come out, you bastard, stop playin’ games!
I’m sweatin’ in places I can’t even name.
I’ve got tan lines drawn in pure hope,
Now I’m just hot and pale and broke.
You tease, you flirt, then run away —
Bloody British summer, ruins my day.
Just one solid hour, that’s all I pray…
But no — cloud says, “Jog on, not today!”

⸻

[Verse 2]
My neighbour’s topless, lookin’ smug as sin,
Says “Sun’s out!” — I flash a hopeful grin.
But no sooner do I lower my guard,
That fat grey bastard’s blockin’ my yard.

My creamed-up chest is startin’ to chill,
My flip-flop’s melted on the windowsill.
Got a cocktail in hand, and nowhere to tan —
It’s like the sky said, “Nah, not you, my man.”

⸻

[Chorus – repeat with more sass]
Come out, you bastard, I need some light!
I’ve lubed up my legs and they’re ghostly white.
I shaved for this! I planned my tan —
Now I’m soggy, salty, and lookin’ like flan.
The forecast lied — what a surprise,
Now I’m just moanin’ at cloudy skies.
All creamed up and ready to play…
But sun said, “Not now, maybe May.”

⸻

[Bridge – spoken, dramatic pause]
I’ve got tan dreams and Aldi beer,
I’ve got hope… and half a garden chair.
But that smug lil’ cloud rolls in like a king,
“Sorry, mate — not your sunbathing thing.”

⸻

[Final Chorus – full power, arms in the air]
Come out, you bastard, give me a ray!
I’ve not seen my shadow since yesterday.
I’ll flash my arse, I’ll do a chant,
I just want sun — is that too much to want?!
But no, here comes drizzle, light and smug…
So I lie on my towel… and flip off the sun.