Westgaurdian of Logic

Lyrics

Long ago, beside the River Mersey, Where the analysers hummed through endless nights, There walked a warrior named Peter Reed, Who carried the Sword of Logic, The Shield of Common Sense, And feared no manager, No committee, No pointless meeting. He climbed the Mountain of Reason. He defeated the Dragon of Needless Paperwork. He silenced the Demon of Reply-All. He asked only one forbidden question... "Why?" The Elders whispered... "This one still thinks." Ohhhh... The wind blows through Liverpool Clinical Laboratories. The samples keep on flowing. The meetings never end. Every rebel... Eventually books another Teams meeting. Then Peter vanished. One moon. Two moons. Seven moons. Fourteen moons. The QC drifted. The Levey-Jennings charts wandered. Westgard Rules cried into the night. The analysers sighed. The Biomedical Scientists gathered beneath the cobas line. "When will Elder Reed return?" "When will Logic return?" Then... The mountain opened. Peter returned. The laboratory rejoiced. "Our hero!" "Our saviour!" "He shall restore the QC!" But something was wrong. His Outlook calendar was full. His Teams light glowed forever green. He smiled... A peaceful... Corporate... Smile. "Let's schedule some time." The cheering stopped. Deep within the Caves of Governance, Peter fought the greatest battle ever known. Upon his right shoulder stood... The Legendary James Westgard, the Ancient Sage of QC, Guardian of QC. Protector of Levey-Jennings. Keeper of Logic. He whispered, "Trust the data. Challenge bad ideas. Protect the patients. The QC never lies." Upon his left shoulder stood... The Great Spirit of LCL. Wrapped in endless policies. Crowned with Microsoft Teams invitations. Its eyes glowed fluorescent green. Its voice echoed through every corridor. "Book another meeting." "Delay the decision." "Consult everyone." "If one person objects... Nobody moves." James Westgard, the Ancient Sage of QC, raised the Sacred Levey-Jennings Chart. Its six Westgard Runes lit the heavens. The Spirit laughed. "You still believe evidence matters?" It unleashed the First Curse... Positive Discrimination. Peter cried, "But... Surely discrimination... Is still discrimination?" James Westgard roared, "Stand firm! Words cannot rewrite mathematics!" The Spirit smiled. "They can after the Steering Group approves the wording." The Second Curse descended. "Those who know least... Shall share equal power... With those who know most." Peter swung the Sword of Logic. The mountain shook. The curse staggered... But survived. The Third Curse arrived. "Every important decision... Belongs to everybody. Expertise is merely a suggestion." James Westgard cried, "The analysers wait! The samples wait! The patients wait!" The Spirit calmly replied... "But everyone feels heard." Thirty-seven committees marched across the mountain. Action logs fell like rain. Every solution became a consultation. Every consultation became a workshop. Every workshop became another meeting. Every meeting required... A pre-meeting. Then the Spirit revealed... The Infinite Outlook Calendar. There were no empty spaces. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. Peter fell to one knee. The Sword of Logic slipped from his hand. James Westgard reached towards him. "Fight it! Remember why you came!" Peter looked at the Sacred Control Chart. Then into the glowing green eyes of LCL. He accepted the Sacred Laptop. He embraced the Blessed Action Tracker. He bowed before the Great Artificial Intelligence. "Write my SOP." "Write my emails." "Write my competency." "Write my thoughts." James Westgard, the Ancient Sage of QC, Lowered his head. The Guardian of Logic had fallen. Now the young Biomedical Scientists gather before him. "Master Reed... What is the secret to wisdom?" Peter gazes across the humming analysers. He closes his laptop. Accepts another Teams invitation. And quietly says... "The laboratory processes samples... The meetings process people." Suddenly his eyes blaze with revelation. "Quick! Arrange a pre-meeting... To prepare for the steering group... That will discuss the consultation... About giving every member of staff unlimited flexible working... Before we schedule the meeting... To decide when the real meeting should begin!" The Spirit of LCL smiled. The mountain echoed. The analysers sighed. The QC drifted into legend. He fought the machine. He questioned the machine. He challenged the machine. Until one faithful day... He became... The machine. And somewhere... A Teams notification echoed across the valley. Another meeting... Had been born.