Westgaurdian Defeated

Lyrics

Long ago, beneath the mist of the Mersey, Where the analysers never slept, There walked a warrior named Peter Reed. He carried the Sword of Logic. The Shield of Common Sense. And feared only one thing... A meeting without an agenda. The Elders whispered, "He still asks why." So Peter disappeared. For fourteen long moons. The laboratory waited. The QC drifted. The Levey-Jennings charts cried into the night. Biomedical Scientists gathered beneath the cobas line. "Our champion will return." "Our QC will be restored." Then... The mountain split open. Peter returned. The laboratory rejoiced. "Our hero!" "Our saviour!" But something had changed. His Outlook calendar stretched beyond the horizon. His Teams light burned eternal green. His first words... "Let's schedule some time." Silence filled the laboratory. For inside Peter's mind... A battle had begun. Upon his right shoulder stood... The Legendary James Westgard, the Ancient Sage of QC. Guardian of Logic. Protector of Levey-Jennings. Keeper of the Sacred Control Chart. He whispered, "Trust the evidence. Protect the patients. Question poor decisions. The data never lies." Upon Peter's left shoulder stood... The Great Spirit of LCL. Draped in governance. Crowned with Teams invitations. Holding the Sacred Action Tracker. Its voice slithered into Peter's mind. "Book another meeting." "Consult everybody." "If one person disagrees... Nobody proceeds." James Westgard raised the Sacred Levey-Jennings Chart. Its six ancient runes illuminated the heavens. The Spirit of LCL unleashed its First Curse. Positive Discrimination. Peter cried, "But... Is that not still... Discrimination?" James Westgard shouted, "Stand firm! Truth needs no new wording!" The Spirit laughed. "It does after policy review." The Second Curse descended. "Every opinion... Carries equal weight... Regardless of knowledge." Peter swung the Sword of Logic. The mountain shook. The curse staggered... But survived. The Third Curse arrived. "Every member of staff... Shall guide every important decision." James Westgard pleaded, "But expertise protects the laboratory!" The Spirit smiled. "Consensus protects feelings." The battle raged. Policies clashed with logic. Evidence fought governance. QC fought consultation. Every answer became a discussion. Every discussion became a workshop. Every workshop became a meeting. Every meeting demanded... A pre-meeting. Peter fell to one knee. James Westgard reached towards him. "Fight! Remember the QC!" The Spirit of LCL extended a glowing laptop. "Accept efficiency. Accept governance. Accept AI." Peter slowly released the Sword of Logic. He accepted the laptop. "Write my SOP." "Write my emails." "Write my competencies." "Write my meeting notes." James Westgard lowered his head. The Ancient Sage of QC had lost. Now young Biomedical Scientists gather before Peter. "Master Reed... What is the secret to wisdom?" Peter smiles peacefully. He accepts another Teams invitation. Then quietly replies... "The laboratory processes samples... The meetings process people." Suddenly his eyes widen with divine inspiration. "Quick! Arrange a pre-meeting... To prepare for the steering group... To discuss the consultation... On giving every member of staff unlimited flexible working... Before we organise the meeting... To decide when the real meeting should begin!" The Spirit of LCL smiled. James Westgard looked to the heavens. The analysers sighed. The Teams notification echoed across the valley. And another meeting... Was born.