The Future’s a Joke

Lyrics

You ever realize collecting Pokémon cards is just... gambling for people who say “I don’t have a problem”? [pause, crowd laughs] I’ll be honest — I used to judge addicts, y’know? Meth heads, slot machine ladies at the gas station... then I spent $80 on cardboard with cartoons. [beat pause] You don’t buy Pokémon... you chase it. You convince yourself you’re gonna stop after “just one more pack,” but there’s that voice — that little demon that’s like, “Yo, but what if there’s a full art Charizard in the next one?” [crowd laughs] That’s the same voice meth addicts hear. [leans in] It’s just... wearing Pikachu ears. [crowd howls] You start negotiating with yourself — “Okay, I’ll only buy if Target restocked today.” [pause] Then you’re in Target’s parking lot at 7 a.m. with the same five dudes who smell like Funko Pops. [crowd laughs] I’ve seen wars break out in those aisles, man. Some guy’s like, “Bro, those tins are mine!” and I’m like, “Relax, Walter White, it’s Scarlet & Violet, not Blue Sky Meth.” [crowd wheezes] [beat pause] And Facebook Marketplace? Oh my god. It’s like rehab for Pokémon addicts — just addicts selling to other addicts. “Hey man, I got that ETB for $70.” “Retail’s $49.” “Yeah but it’s sealed.” Bro, that’s not a deal — that’s relapse with shipping. [crowd laughs] My girlfriend caught me opening packs at 3 a.m. — she’s like, “Are you okay?” I’m like, “I’m manifesting a hit, babe.” [crowd laughs] [leans in, whispering conspiratorially] I used to think I was a collector. Now I’m just a man praying to Arceus that the next one’s shiny enough to make me feel alive. [pause for laughter, then calm voice] And the worst part? I finally pulled a banger — gold Mewtwo EX, mint condition. I felt nothing. [beat pause] That’s when I knew... I wasn’t chasing cards. I was chasing the high. [crowd applause, slow fade]