Lyrics

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{Intro – [Sassy piano, upright bass, dramatic flair]}

[Spoken:]
History is full of triumph and wisdom...
...but this song is not about that. (Haha)


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{Verse 1 – [Bouncy rhythm, cheeky horns]}

🎶
🐴 “Let’s bring in the horse!” said the Trojans, all smiles,
“It’s a totally chill war trophy, not filled with hostiles.”
The only guy who thought it was odd…
Got snake murdered. Had to be the gods. 🐍😬

🎶
They said, “We won!” Felt that victory deep,
So they celebrated with... unguarded sleep.
Ten years of war—just poof!—no plan…
Like sure, what harm could come from a big hollow man?

🎶
And now we name condoms after that trap!
Symbolic protection—surprise! It’s a wrap. 🎺
(Oops.)


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{Verse 2 – [Swing groove, smug and jazzy]}

🎶
🚢 Called it unsinkable.
It sank.
Shocker, right? 😏

🎶
Didn’t prep enough boats, or have a backup plan,
For their “flawless” boat made of metal... by man.

🎶
🎤 Sir, she’s made of iron… what did you think?
🎤 Iron floats and it doesn’t sink?
🎤 Smart! 👍 (So smart.)

🎶
Then people said, “Let’s build it again!"
We can't have just one? Why?
’Cause Leo and Kate made it seem fun!?!

🎤 Recreate humanity’s monument to hubris?
🎤 Yeah sure—what could go wrong? Let’s do this! (Not.)

[Spoken:]
Get ready, Celine Dion… I feel a number one coming on again.


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{Verse 3 – [Retro synth groove, nerdy swagger]}

🎶
🚀 NASA sent a probe to Mars.
We were all excited—eyes full of stars! ✨
One team used metric, like the rest of Earth,
The other used imperial… for whatever that’s worth.

🎤 And no one noticed the numbers were wrong…
🎤 ’Til the craft yeeted itself to Mars—
🔥 Poof. Gone. 🛰️


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{Verse 4 – [Carnival bounce, toy piano chaos]}

🎶
Saved the dumbest for last—naturally.
Cleveland said, “Let’s break a record—one million balloons!”.... geeee.
HELL YEAH—what could go wrong?! 🤪

🎶
They launched ’em all into the air,
Then watched the chaos bloom everywhere.
🎤 Planes were grounded, traffic jammed,
🎤 And the lake got visually spammed. 🌊🎈

🎶
Rescues canceled—couldn’t see through balloons,
Two folks drowned that very afternoon.
🎤 But hey, it looked great for pics—minus the screamin’,
🎤 Who cares if we summoned a latex demon?

[Spoken, deadpan:]
Environmental impact? Never heard of her.
(But we did traumatize a horse.)


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{Final Chorus – [Full band, glorious chaos]}

🎤 Ooooh baby, mistakes were made—™
We launched, we sank, snake betrayed! 🐍
From latex storms to math decay…
We do dumb things in a brilliant way. 😌💅

🎶
🎤 When life hands you lemons—make lemonade!
Not disaster, not woe—
🎤 LEARN from mistakes, you dumb hoes! 🍋
[backup singers echo: dumb hooooes!]

[Spoken, increasingly unhinged:]
This has been a cautionary tale from humanity.
Do not try any of this at home.
Especially the horse.
ESPECIALLY. THE. HORSE.