Lyrics

[INTRO – Spoken]
“Back by request—servin’ more Historical Hands… and hilarity.”
[SLAP / guitar sting → straight into Lincoln’s verse]

[Abraham Lincoln Verse]
Four score and five fingers in a fist,
Abe Lincoln found his way to my historical hit list.
Top hat tall, but morals fell short—
Freed the slaves… but only as a last resort.

Said “If I could save the Union without freeing a single slave…”
Yeah, uh huh… that’s real fuckin’ brave, Abe.
Didn’t think Black folks should mix or marry,
Tried to ship them off—yeah, uh ... visionary. (Eye roll!)

Habeas corpus? He tossed that shit out then,
Still got his face on the side of a mountain.
Saint of the Union? Sure, he tried—
But even this heroes got shit to hide.

Complex? Yeah. But don’t romanticize this.
Four score and five fingers in a fist.

Tipper Gore! Comin' in pearls a-clutchin',
Preachin’ this and that and knowin’ NOTHIN’!
Took on the greats, all wild and snide—
Too bad for you, they had John Denver on their side.

Labeled records, tried to ban the beat,
But ended up makin’ rebellion elite.
Tried to take down Prince? Haha! Nice try!
This is what it sounds like when DUMB BITCHES CRY.

[Ronald Reagan Verse]
Ronald Reagan—where do I start?
With the smile? The scripts? The cold, dead heart?

Froze up the schedule ‘cause the planets looked rough.
Astrology’s cool, if you're running a cult.

Turned a blind eye while the AIDS crisis spread,
Even when it hit your friends—you said nothing instead.
Serving bullshit daily—what a wholesome model.
Ronald Reagan? More like McDonald.

Gave a wink, shook hands, sold hope like stock…
Watch out, Ronnie—your shit’s gettin’ ROCKED.

[King James I Verse]
King James the First—as in the King James Bible,
Used holy text to protect his title.
Said “divine right,” but feared the wise,
So he sparked a witch hunt and called it pious.

Burned all the "witches", called them cursed,
Sold out his mom so he’d get crowned first.
Sat back silent as they took her life—
Power over blood, cold as a knife. (Yikes.)
Loved who he loved—no shame in that,
But used that same book to keep others flat.
So open wide, Jimmy—it’s time for your slap-tism.

Control the people, crown the lies—
Lit the match that burned the wise.
All hail the king with a fragile soul...
King James? More like King Ass hole.

[Spoken: ]“Suffer not a witch? You first, Jimmy.”]


[Henry Kissinger Verse]
Henry Kissinger—ghoul in a tie,
Left half the planet asking, “why didn’t he die?”
Well, he did—but a hundred years late,
And history’s still cleaning up the hate.
“Peace Prize” winner? That’s a hell of a twist…
Hank, your prick—catch this fist.

Spoken: “Henry KISS-my-fists-in-jer. (Haha)
Rest in piss, Hank.
[OUTRO – Spoken]
“Four more served.”
“More to come.”
"Whos next?"