Lyrics

Wow... Look over there..... No, it's not Madonna feeding gasoline to a retarded ostrich; it's my old gay Kindergarten football coach, and he's wadding up slabs of iron, and throwing them at that big herd of babies over there.

Yeah... I've eaten crocodile muscles before... What, you haven't?.... Tsh...... Loser.

Now normally, Harold "Fish Gibbons" Purgisston takes care of the goldfish who need to have pointless conversations when the sun is out, but he called out sick today, so Cassandra "Oiled Toothpicks" Druppiss is stepping in. Look... She has really weird hair that looks like rubber sheet rock, and she has visible breath; so don't let her catch you staring at her, or she just might punch your Mom right in her stupid, idiot fingernails!..

Hey!!... See that?.. That's a frowning tooth salesman from Space-iss-stan with opaque orange nostrils trading a traffic egg card to a wounded scaled wombat for a beeping throat vase. Bad trade!.. I mean, I would've just given him a rusty baby tornado, or something.....

Why do our grandmother's carnival hens always replace all of the furniture when nobody's home?!.. Maybe it's because the Grim Reaper doesn't like it when he gets to someone's house, and there's FUKKING KNIFE MARKS ALL OVER THE MOTHERFUKKING TABLES AND CHAIRS!!!!!!!!! YA' EVER THINK OF THAT, YOU FUKKING MORON?!!!!!...

But anyways, back to the subject at hand: How To Tell If A Moldy Vampire Has Been Licking Your Cats When You're Asleep.... Well, it's pretty easy, actually!.. You see, if it has done this to anyone's cats, the next thing that will occur is that Sally Jesse Raphael will make a sandwich for Gary Oldman. But when she gives it to him, it's gonna be laced with poison. When he takes it, he'll tell her thanks, then shove the entire sandwich in his mouth in just one bite. As he struggles to chew and swallow it, he won't die, but instead, he'll turn into a giant thirty-two-foot-tall monster made from a whole bunch of powdered ghosts, wet Slavic pickles, dark-boned eggs, cow's headphones, Guatemalan wrist shavings, rainbow dust splinters, farmers' spit, flakey ass sprouts, bears' noses, trampoline springs, solid gold oatmeal, chewed paper, and petrified werewolves. When he's fully transformed, Gary will then run really fast in a northerly direction, and when he gains enough speed, jump straight up and so high that he ends up jumping straight into space!..

Seeing that this has taken place, Sally Jesse Raphael will say to herself, "Man, I really fukked this one up, royally," after which, she will find the sudden and imminent urge to go to a Chuck E. Cheese's restaurant, act like she only knows how to crawl after going inside, and proceed to speed-crawl in quick circles over and over again, all the while, screaming, "I'M A GIGANTIC, STUPID BABY!!!!!" on repeat.

So don't forget to water your post-Christmas shitt, people!!! If you don't, the Hair Gel Fairy of Buffalo, Wyoming is gonna get you, and snap each of your eardrums into pieces!