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[DRAMATIC READING OF A NOVEL]
Chapter Three: The Dark Squirrels Prove That, Once And For All, They Do Have Knuckles By Becoming Door-to-door Sales Squirrels In The Entirety Of The Town Of Karekrekkuhkrekkuhnomittyrivvytinsville.

Dorothy-James Buttertitts folded her arms, tapping her left foot's toes against the icy pavement in frustrated contemplation as she surveyed the unusual landscape she was about to be forced to traverse. The eastern face of Dirty Hair Mountain was treacherous, to say the least, with its endless stretches of jaw curtains, jiggling Pope strips, Iranian Carpet Police, sandwich glitter pits, Gregory Perkins bugs, alcoholic dirt pelicans, spider web bridges, squashed fruit pillars, and its electric vagina whistles, just to name a few of the obstacles that stood in between the mountain's peak, and Dorothy-James, herself. Nevertheless, she possessed the courage and the willpower to make it through all of these, and more.

You see, Dorothy-James Buttertitts came from a long line of Buttertitts who had become known the world over for their bravery, and their performance under duress. Why, in the year 547 A.D., quite far down the many limbs of her family tree, there had been Samuel-Jennifer Buttertitts, who, whilst on sabbatical in Northern Poopistan, had impossibly slain the wicked Garden Shrew Of Death in the dark Caves Of Stubbed Toes, a place so feared that not even one of the locals would dare step foot inside its boundaries. Or there was Karen-Blaine Buttertitts, who, in the year 1284 A.D., broke the then world record of seven-hundred forty-two straight seconds of not farting by not farting for seven-hundred forty-three seconds; a heroic feat, indeed! Also, in the year of 1982, a then very young Timothy-Samantha Buttertitts had managed to collect nine thousand and sixty-six neon-colored wrist-worn sweatbands, which he had kept hidden from the Frolicking Wooden Egg Phantom Of Jerry's Ice Cream Shop for just over three whole years! Not such a long time ago, just back in the year of 1998, little Catherine-Wayne had become the world's first baby to do eighty-seven consecutive cartwheels whilst lit aflame as she was covered in gasoline! So courage under pressure was a sort of Buttertitts Way Of Life, if you would.

With all of this and more in mind, Dorothy-James Buttertitts started inching her right foot forward to begin what would be a long and arduous trek through the vast valleys, chasms, and peaks that made up the feared landscapes she was sure to encounter on her grueling journey to get to the mountain's highest peak, where she intended to retrieve the fabled Ring Of Sweet Witch Spit, which was rumored to have the powers of immortality, as well as granting its rightful owner the ability to perform the perfect stand-up comedy routine wherever and whenever they so desired to. But as her right foot was just about to touch ground, her left ankle got caught behind a Lion's Tongue vine, causing her to fall and die.

Chapter Four