Lyrics

Suffocating
Again
The air I need to breathe escapes me
I never knew I’d be this weak alone
It infuriates me
To think that it hurts to be alone
When I use to be so use to the loneliness
It didn’t matter if my feelings got hurt
Or if I was abandoned
I always expected it
It scared me
But it never moved me an inch
Never made me run
Because I’d just walk away before it got to that point.
But now I’m here,
Questioning my decisions
Is loving someone worth it
When the crippling anxiety consumes me
When I love them so much all I do is suffocate
I forgive too much
I’m too blind
Loving you has made me weak
Being alone now is an emotional chore.
I miss you
But I’m not allowed to miss you.
You hurt me, I have to make you realize that.
You have to change, or we’ll fall apart.
I’m already falling apart.
Distancing myself is nothing but a pain.
I have a million things I want to say,
But I have to be silent.
I can’t give you the idea
That everything will be okay,
Because it won’t.
I hate how serious this is.
But I can’t neglect myself anymore.
It’s gotten to the point of panic attacks I can’t prioritize you anymore.
Considering you over myself caused this, but if I hadn’t our relationship would have ended.
I was so desperate to hold us together that I forgot to be kind to myself.
There was no room to be angry on my behalf because I kept excusing you, but there is no excuse.
I lied to myself because the reality hurt me more than the lie.
That if Ethan doesn’t change then I really meant nothing to him.
I don’t want us to be a lie fabricated by my own projections from the last five years.
Please,
PLEASE,
Prove me wrong.
I can’t breathe.
I’m too senseless to speak,
So angry it hurts,
So sad I might just bleed.
The pain is too great, but I can’t imagine the pain of leaving you.
So I wait,
Because I love you, I see your potential, but you’ve squandered it yourself for the past five years.
I loved you for your past, present, and future self; but I can’t control your future.
That’s up to you.
In 25 days I’ll get my answer.
I’m scared it won’t be what I need.
I’m scared we really will fall apart.
If we do, there might not be anything you could do to prove that you cared.
Everything is riding on this and I hate it so much.
I want to scream.