I HOLD NO BLAME

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I HOLD NO BLAME! (I SWEAR!) [INTRO – Spoken] Bro... I just wanna make one thing perfectly clear. I don't blame you. Never have. Never will. I mean, ninety-nine percent of the WORLD would... BUT NOT ME! [BEAT DROPS] [VERSE 1] I HOLD NO BLAME! WHILE I'M ON A FUCKIN' PLANE! Flying off to Asia, Got a brochure on Malaysia! Apparently there's problems with euthanasia? WHAT?! I SUPPORT YOUTH IN ASIA! I don't know what that means! I'm just chasing tropical dreams! With all my ill-acquired dough! I'm flying where nobody knows! First-class seat, champagne in hand, Most forgiving motherfucker in the land! I'm avoiding the local cuisine, 'Cause I'm going to Bangkok, it's always been my dream! Wouldn't wanna make a mess In my brand-new Levi jeans! Got my passport, got my shades, Got ninety-nine accusations made! BUT I HOLD NO BLAME! [CHORUS] I HOLD NO BLAME! (NO BLAME!) But you're the reason for the flame! (THE FLAME!) I don't blame you, I SWEAR! Ninety-nine percent would, but I DON'T CARE! I HOLD NO BLAME! (NO BLAME!) I'm on a plane! (A FUCKIN' PLANE!) And at the end of the day? I AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' SMART TO SAY! I DON'T BLAME YOU, I SWEAR! I'M JUST PACKIN' UNDERWEAR! Got my suitcase, got my shoes! And a hundred different ways to accuse! [VERSE 2 – The Accidental Accusation] I don't blame you for the cigarette! But I got a couple things I ain't said yet! You threw a party! You made a mess! You went to the bar! I MUST CONFESS! You lied to insurance! You burned down the place! But look at this smile on my forgiving face! I'm not pointing fingers! (POINT! POINT!) I'm not keeping score! (SCORE! SCORE!) I'm just listing all the reasons That I'm blaming you some more! I don't blame you! NOT ONE BIT! Now here's a twelve-page list of shit! Ninety-nine percent of the population Would blame you without hesitation! But not me, bro! I'm built different! I'm forgiving! I'm magnificent! [Spoken] Seriously, man. I'm like... the Gandhi of insurance claims. [CHORUS] I HOLD NO BLAME! (NO BLAME!) BUT YOU'RE THE REASON FOR THE FLAME! I DON'T BLAME YOU! (I SWEAR!) NOW WATCH ME BLAME YOU EVERYWHERE! I HOLD NO BLAME! (NO BLAME!) WHILE I'M ON A FUCKIN' PLANE! Got my luggage, got my pride, Got a whole new country where I can hide! [VERSE 3 – The Humble Man] I'm so humble, it's insane! I'm the bigger man aboard this plane! I don't hold grudges! I don't get mad! I'm just the most forgiving guy you've ever had! I'm not vindictive! I'm not petty! Got my flip-flops packed already! Please drop the case! Let's all move on! I'm sending this email from my phone! And if you don't? Well, that's your call! You might lose more! YOU MIGHT LOSE IT ALL! But that's not a threat! That's friendly advice! From a man who's forgiven you once or twice! Or three times! Or four! Or ninety-nine! Now excuse me, bro, it's boarding time! [BRIDGE – Dramatic Emotional Piano] I hold no blame... Despite the flame... Despite the mess... Despite the claim... Despite the things I just accused you of... I come from a place of love... [Long silence] [Whispered] ...Ninety-nine percent would, though. [AIR HORN! BEAT DROPS] [FINAL CHORUS] I HOLD NO BLAME! (NO BLAME!) I'M ON A FUCKIN' PLANE! (PLANE!) FLYING OFF TO ASIA! I SUPPORT YOUTH IN ASIA! I HOLD NO BLAME! (NO BLAME!) I'M TOO HUMBLE FOR THE FAME! I DON'T BLAME YOU, I SWEAR! I'M JUST PACKING UNDERWEAR! NINETY-NINE PERCENT WOULD! BUT I'M THE ONE PERCENT THAT'S GOOD! I'M THE BIGGER MAN! I'M THE BETTER MAN! I'M THE MOST FORGIVING MAN WITH A SEVEN-POINT ACCUSATION PLAN! [OUTRO – Spoken] Look, bro. I don't blame you. I just think everything was your fault. There's a difference. Anyway... Please drop the case. I'm trying to enjoy my vacation. [Airport Announcement] "Final boarding call for passengers who hold absolutely no blame." THAT'S ME! [Whispered] ...But ninety-nine percent would.