The Sweater Song [Ugly Looks Good on You]

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[INTRO — Crooked bells, funk bass] Well, well, well… What have we here? Oh, honey, NO. Who picked that out for you? …You did? WELL, THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING! [BEAT DROPS] [VERSE 1] Well, somebody call the North Pole, We’ve got a situation here! Is that a Christmas sweater, Or the ghost of last year’s cheer? A clearance-rack calamity, A bargain-bin disgrace, With a reindeer that looks personally Offended by your face! You’ve got a snowman looking seasick, And a Santa missing teeth, And while I, personally, find no fault with THAT— [BEAT CUT — Spoken] I’ve gotta ask… [BEAT RETURNS] HOW’S YOUR SELF-ESTEEM?! And you’re standing in the corner, Like you’ve got something to hide? Oh, absolutely NOT, my dear— WE’RE TAKING THIS OUTSIDE! [PRE-CHORUS] Can’t make it pretty? (AWW, WHAT A PITY!) Can’t make it classy? (THEN MAKE IT FLASHY!) They got labels, you got nerve, And a look they don’t deserve! If they’re gonna stop and stare— GIVE ’EM SOMETHING WORTH THE GLARE! [CHORUS — Huge] UGLY LOOKS GOOD ON YOU! You’re a walking Christmas spectacle! If you can’t make it beautiful, MAKE IT UNFORGETTABLE! UGLY LOOKS GOOD ON YOU! They can keep their fancy price tags, You’ve got swagger in those bargain-bin rags! Let ’em point, let ’em laugh, let ‘em see— YOU’RE THE WHOLE DAMN CHRISTMAS TREE! Oh, ugly looks good on you! Yeah, ugly looks good on you! [POST-CHORUS] Ug-ug-ugly! MAKE IT WORSE! Put a bow on the family curse! Ug-ug-ugly! MAKE IT SHINE! If it’s hideous, honey—MAKE IT MINE! [VERSE 2 — Rap] Somebody paid two hundred bucks To look exactly like their friends, You’re wearing something Grandma made From fabric fashion couldn’t defend! [BEAT STRIPS] Tags are meant for prices, Labels have no place Telling you anything more Than how much it cost to make. [SPOKEN — Dry] And even that’s probably a lie. [BEAT RETURNS] Your sleeves are two different lengths, Your collar’s having second thoughts, Your sweater looks like Christmas Eve Got tangled up in Christmas knots! A string of lights that somehow blink In time with your self-esteem— [BEAT CUT — Spoken] Oh, honey, that’s not a light show. That’s a cry for help. Somebody find this kid a battery! [PRE-CHORUS 2 — Building] Can’t make it classy? (THEN MAKE IT TRASHY!) Can’t make it right? (THEN MAKE IT FLASHY!) They say you’ve gone too far? Well, darling, that’s a start! If you’re gonna be an eyesore— MAKE IT A WORK OF ART! [CHORUS 2] UGLY LOOKS GOOD ON YOU! You’re a walking Christmas spectacle! If you can’t make it beautiful, MAKE IT UNFORGETTABLE! UGLY LOOKS GOOD ON YOU! They can keep their fancy price tags, You’ve got swagger in those bargain-bin rags! Let ’em point, let ’em laugh, let ‘em see— YOU’RE THE WHOLE DAMN CHRISTMAS TREE! Oh, ugly looks good on you! [BREAKDOWN — Spoken] Now, listen. You can’t just put lipstick on a pig. Well, you CAN. But then you’ve got a pig wearing lipstick. And frankly, if you’ve gone that far… [BEAT CUT] WHY THE HELL ISN’T IT WEARING PEARLS?! [BRASS STAB] Accessorize, people! [BRIDGE — Crooked villain-waltz] That sweater’s an offense to every color known to man, Like a Christmas tree exploded in a discount garbage can! You’re a clearance-bin calamity, A bargain-basement blight! A fluorescent little fungus That illuminates the night! A polyester pestilence, A seasonal disease— [Spoken] Is that contagious? GOOD! LET’S START AN EPIDEMIC! [RECORD SCRATCH — SILENCE] [OFFSTAGE VOICE — Concerned] Uh, Gabe? We just got through COVID. People might be a little skeptical about another epidemic. [NARRATOR — Deadpan] Me too. [MUSIC SLAMS BACK IN] You’ve got the charm of spoiled eggnog And the grace of falling trees— But you’ve never looked more fabulous Than when you’re hard to see! [RECORD SCRATCH — Spoken] I mean, you’re hard to look at. There’s a difference. [BRIDGE RESOLUTION — Warm] But look at you now. Standing up straight. Smiling. And that thing is still absolutely hideous. Perfect. [BUILD — Gang chants] Can’t make it pretty? MAKE IT UGLY! Can’t make it better? MAKE IT LOUD! Can’t make it perfect? MAKE IT YOURS! AND WEAR THAT UGLY PROUD! [FINAL CHORUS — Dubstep] UGLY LOOKS GOOD ON YOU! You’re a walking Christmas spectacle! If you can’t make it beautiful, MAKE IT UNFORGETTABLE! UGLY LOOKS GOOD ON YOU! They can keep their fancy price tags, You’ve got swagger in those bargain-bin rags! Let ’em point, let ’em laugh, let ‘em see— YOU’RE THE WHOLE DAMN CHRISTMAS TREE! UGLY LOOKS GOOD ON YOU! Every stitch is a chance to improve— Not by changing what you’re wearing, But by changing HOW YOU MOVE! [FINAL POST-CHORUS] UGLY! UGLY! MAKE IT WORSE! PUT A BOW ON THE FAMILY CURSE! UGLY! UGLY! MAKE IT SHINE! THAT DISASTER’S ONE OF A KIND! [OUTRO — Piano, one bell; spoken] Oh, and one more thing… Ugly looks good on you. But you know what looks even better? That smile. [Beat] Still wouldn’t be caught dead in that sweater, though. [Single bell] Merry Christmas, you beautiful disaster. [HARD CUT]