“Pokémon and Divorce Court”

Lyrics

So yeah… me and my wife started collecting Pokémon again. [pause] It was supposed to be cute. You know… a wholesome little hobby — “let’s open some packs together, babe!” [crowd laughs] At first, it was cute. We’d sit on the couch, candles lit, sharing a pack like it’s a bottle of wine. [beat pause] Then she started doing this thing… where she hides the cards and makes me guess what she pulled. [crowd chuckles] I’m sitting there like, “Babe, what’d you get?” And she’s like, “Hmm… it’s shiny…” [pause] “Okay, cool, is it a trainer or a full art?” “I’m not telling you yet 😏” [crowd laughs] And I’m like, “No, seriously. SHOW ME THE CARD.” [crowd howls] She’s giggling, I’m over here sweating like a day-trader. [leans in] Bro, she turned my serotonin hit into a riddle. [pause, crowd laughs] Then she pulls a hit — a gold Arceus VSTAR — and I’m like, “Aww yeah! OUR pull!” [beat pause] She goes, “Actually, it was from my pack.” [crowd laughs, groans] I said, “Oh word? So now we’re dividing assets?” [crowd wheezes] Next thing you know, I’m hiding my ETBs under the bed like a side chick. [crowd roars] She’s like, “What’s that box?” I’m like, “Nothing! Just some tools… for my mental health!” [crowd laughs] I started labeling my sleeves: “DO NOT TOUCH — OPENING SCHEDULED FOR SUNDAY, 3PM — SOLO MISSION.” [crowd dies laughing] It’s bad, man. I used to think addiction was ugly — but this is like domestic Pokémon warfare. We’re sitting there, side by side, opening packs in total silence. Just two adults… one marriage… zero trust. [crowd laughs, applause builds] [leans in] And I realized — Pokémon didn’t ruin my marriage. It just exposed who we really are. [pause, long beat] She’s a hoarder… and I’m a control freak with booster-related anxiety. [crowd howls] [sips water] But hey… at least we’re spending time together. [crowd cheers, lights fade]