Don’t Test This Bitch - Agent Lulu’s Warning

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[Intro – dark piano, upright bass and vinyl crackle] [Spoken – calm and confident] Let’s make one thing perfectly clear… I’m sweet. I’m fluffy. I’m usually very reasonable. But if you’re looking for trouble… Darling, you’ve just found the right bitch. [Beat Drops] [Verse 1 – rhythmic jazz rap] I walk in smooth with my head held high, Got a queen-sized strut and a dangerous eye. Red bandana and a coat so fine, But don’t mistake this fluffy face for a warning sign. I don’t need drama, I’ve got things to do, Secret little missions and a snack or two. But somebody always wants to step out of line— Then acts surprised when they run into mine. I’ve got patience, yes, but it’s running thin, Don’t start a game that you don’t want to win. I’ll give you one look, one chance to quit, Then Agent Lulu handles it. [Pre-Chorus] I don’t go searching For a reason to fight. But I know my boundaries, And I guard them right. Take one step closer, You’d better think twice. This fluffy little agent Isn’t always nice. [Chorus] Don’t test this bitch, Don’t push that switch. I can go from sweet To “we’ve got a situation” quick. I’ve got power in my paws, Fire in my eyes. I see trouble coming Through the best disguise. Don’t test this bitch, I’m warning you now. I’ve got attitude, style And a very serious growl. I may look like velvet, But I’m nobody’s fool. When Agent Lulu enters, Agent Lulu makes the rules. [Post-Chorus – backing vocals] Back it up! Give her space! [Agent Lulu] That’s right, darling— Know your place. [Verse 2 – playful rap] Sometimes my attitude gets me in a mess, Do I regret it? Maybe… slightly less. My human says, “Lulu, just let it go.” But letting things go isn’t part of the show. If someone throws shade, I return it with flair, Then suddenly everyone is stopping to stare. Perhaps I’m too bold, perhaps I’m too loud, Perhaps I enjoy getting reactions from the crowd. I enter with confidence turned up to ten, Get myself in trouble— Then do it again. I’m learning that power isn’t making a scene, Sometimes the strongest move is staying serene. But if you come closer with chaos in mind, You’ll meet the kind of bitch who won’t step behind. [Pre-Chorus] I’m not the villain, I’m just very direct. Bring me good manners, And I’ll show you respect. But cross my boundaries, Try stealing my throne— I’ll make it perfectly clear You should leave me alone. [Chorus] Don’t test this bitch, Don’t push that switch. I can go from sweet To “we’ve got a situation” quick. I’ve got power in my paws, Fire in my eyes. I see trouble coming Through the best disguise. Don’t test this bitch, I’m warning you now. I’ve got attitude, style And a very serious growl. I may look like velvet, But I’m nobody’s fool. When Agent Lulu enters, Agent Lulu makes the rules. [Instrumental Break – heavy bass, saxophone and brass hits] [Spoken – over the beat] Agent’s note: Confidence is not aggression. Boundaries are not an invitation. And silence does not mean weakness. But sometimes… My attitude writes a cheque My human has to cash. Oops. [Rap Bridge – faster flow] Click-clack paws on the nightclub floor, One sharp look and they head for the door. I don’t need backup, I don’t need a crew, But my human is shouting, “Lulu, what did you do?” I stood my ground with a glamorous pose, A flick of the tail and a wrinkle of nose. Maybe too much? Well, nobody’s perfect. But if I made my point, then the trouble was worth it. Brains and beauty, boundaries too, A dangerous mix in a Eurasier like Lulu. I’m working on calm—I promise I am, But I’m still the boss of this whole programme. [Breakdown – beat stops] [Human Voice] Lulu… [Agent Lulu] What? [Human Voice] Did you start this? [Agent Lulu] That information is classified. [Final Chorus – big brass and backing vocals] Don’t test this bitch, Don’t push that switch. I’m elegant, intelligent And dangerously quick. I’ve got power in my paws, Fire in my soul. I don’t need a ribbon To prove I’m in control. Don’t test this bitch, But treat me right— I’ll be loyal beside you Every day and night. I may be dramatic, But my heart is true. There’s nobody fiercer Than Agent Lulu. [Post-Chorus – call and response] Who owns the room? [Backing Vocals] Agent Lulu! Who makes the rules? [Backing Vocals] Agent Lulu! Who caused the trouble? [Silence] [Agent Lulu] No further questions. [Outro – smoky saxophone and slow bass] [Spoken – whispered] Sweet when respected. Fierce when required. Trouble when underestimated. Case closed. Agent Lulu… Over and out.