Pedro

Lyrics

Pedro the Fisherman 2 ½.0

It was time for the next fishermen contest. Pedro was still determined. After the huge massacre in Venice that had wrecked Pedro’s reputation temporarily, Pedro was ready to get back to business and he declared a massive bet with billionaires, Warren Buffett and Jeff Bezos.

“Alright you bald losers, so-”

Warren Buffett rubbed his gnarly, wrinkly hand over his suave buns. “I am not bald and I will maintain the attractive structure of my new style for the rest of my life.”

Pedro stared at him expressionlessly and then spoke, “Your Latvian wife who’s 15 years younger than you, is hooking up with Vin Diesel’s twin. Care to answer why? Also if you want them for the rest of your life, you might only have them for like one year left tops.”

Warren’s eyes began to tear up and he cried dramatically, “Man I knew it was those damn buns the whole time. They’re ugly! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!”

Then at that moment, while Mr. B released some milky snot rockets into a cluster of golden $1000 bills and sobbed endlessly, Jeff Bezos grabbed him on the drum for consolation.

“It’s ok Warren, come on man! We all got to try something new alright. That’s why I bought the whole Whole Foods.”

Pedro then slipped his frog out of his pants and blasted the mega ear-rape version of “Mine Diamonds” by Mcap Steve.

The two extremely rich men reached for their super-ear protectors in their duffel bags. “God, I’m already deaf, do you want me to be dead!” shouted Bezos.

Pedro responded, “Alright let’s hurry this deal up, it’s taking way too long! I have a Christian bat mitzvah and Bobby’s Sweet Sixteen to attend!!!”

The two businessmen immediately got themselves together and Bezos began stating Pedro’s conditions, “So the primary venue is Pedro’s Phishing Plex, did I get that right? With a “ph”?”

“Yes.”

“What about a secondary venue? You have any?”

“No need.”

“Ok, and the event date is May 5, 2021. Hey, don’t you celebrate Cinco de Mayo on that day?”


“I’m not Mexican and if you ever bring that up again I will turn you into a chimichanga and eat you for brunch!!!”

“So if you win the contest by a margin of exactly $500, you get both of our entire net worths, but with any other result, Warren and I become emperors of the universe! And you have the power to do that!”

“Don’t get too excited, it won’t happen and it won’t last long anyway! I’m telling you oligarchies are gay and they never work!”

“Oh but this won’t be an oligarchy!” Bezos responded, “Warren’s gonna cut his dick off.”

Warren’s cheeks flared in anger, “No you said you would cut your dick off!”

Pedro blasted a turtle that shattered the shiny, diamond-structured windows in the luxurious private conference room.

“I’m gonna cut both of your dicks off if you don’t get it together and finish this fucking deal!”