SubZero Command: Iron Storm

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[intro] Get ready for part 2 - early access collectors edition… (BOOM!) [Verse] Adam popped the top on a tall boy. (Psht) Lit up a small joint, popped a Lucy and got ready for a long voyage. (Time to game!) Easy bet. Bout to game till he’s in a greasy sweat like a sleazy wretch. (Ha!) Booted up Black Flag, it’s time to explore some deep sea wrecks. (Yeah!) Xbox controller: no clue why he doesn’t have a PC yet. (Man, what the fuck) But just as he was about to slip into a rift in time, his predictive mind picked up on a cryptic sign. Just then, the phone rang on his encrypted line. It was his old mentor; a sixty-five-year-old Egyptian scribe! Adam accepted the call and said “I told you I quit the game, dude. I tucked away the grey suit after I paid dues!” The scribe said (“Adam, that’s fake & gay news. You know if you don’t play the game, the game plays you. We got word Mossad had a scientific breakthrough. Their gene-splicing thing is already in phase two. The lab is hidden under a trailer park with high-level clearance! It’s crawling with Mossad ninjas who throw metal spear tips, genetically modified deer ticks and several giant earwigs!”) Adam said, “I told you I’m done! You know I’ve been put through hell!” He tried to hang up and the scribe said (“Adam… they took Michelle. Look for yerself.”) He sent Adam surveillance footage of Michelle being pushed in a cell! HE STOOD UP AND YELLED! (Crap, dude!) The scribe said (“the Israelis picked Harmony & Vince cuz the project needed matching genetics. After several test kits, they achieved test-tube conception, so the conception was sexless. But they still had sex, which… wasn’t expected. Anyway, to save Michelle and the human race, You need to fight the Two Demons of the Cue-nuh caves: Two trailer trash cannibals who feed on human brains and fluid waste. You’ll need to steal the keycard from them to get through the base.”) Adam grabbed two grenades, Already dripped out in his bullet-proof Jon Wick suit. It protects him from CAUSTIC FUMES and TOXIC FRUIT! Ready to COCK and SHOOT! He looked through optic zoom on a modified Glock so huge it creates a SONIC BOOM!! Don’t forget the ninja stars, plus the HIGH-TECH KATANA Sharp enough to DIE-SECT-a-Lahma!! The scribe said (“Adam - the baby was spliced with salamanders from Uganda and a giant piranha. Plus an undisclosed black guy that might be Obama…”) Adam hung up, ate a five-cheese lasagna and grabbed the keys to the Mazda. [bridge] So Adam’s Mazda moved fast and vicious. They created a baby-slash-fish, so Adam is back-in-business. They took his baby back, bitch, so now it’s time to blast-these-niggez. [chorus] Piranha boy cosmonaut. (“GUB-GUB~?”) His baby bottles topped with Molotov, plus he knows KRAHV-muh-GAH and his hide is hard as lava rock. (“GUB-GUB~!”) Amphibious death machine. (“GOO-GOO GA-GA NEGGA!”) How could something so deadly be such a precious thing? (“TEE-HEE~”) Trained in martial arts and Greco-Roman wrestling. (“CHA-CHA MOO-TAKA-TAKA!) [Outro] Agent Adam is back on a mission. Jon got too ambitious when he drafted this, wishin’ he’d made the decision to scale it back in an instant. But either way, get ready for part three. Where Adam settles his vendetta with a hard Vee…