Hot Viking, Hot Mess

歌词

**\[Intro — Spoken, Playfully Seductive\]** Ladies and gentlemen... I would like to introduce a man. A beautiful man. A Viking of a man. A man who somehow survived adulthood... Believing cheese comes in cubes. I'm not making this shit up. **\[Verse 1\]** I found myself a Viking Lord, that man's a work of art Got the looks to raid a village And the brains to miss the start He's ridiculously handsome It's a genuine disgrace 'Cause the things that leave his mouth Don't always match that gorgeous face He says, "Where's the burroo?" I say, "Baby, what the hell?" He says, "You know, the burroo!" Like he's ringing some damn bell I said, "Honey, that's a bureau!" He said, "That's what I just said!" And I briefly reconsidered Every choice that led to bed! **\[Pre-Chorus\]** He's got the body of a warrior And a mind that's unexplored I wanna climb that sexy Viking But first, sweet Jesus, Lord! **\[Chorus\]** He's my hot Viking, hot mess Lord, that man is blessed! Looks like he could conquer kingdoms Can't get out the door undressed He's a walking contradiction And a handsome little curse Every time I think he's peaked The next thing's somehow worse! Oh, my hot Viking, hot mess Got me laughing till I cry I'd ask the gods of common sense But they gave up on this guy! **\[Verse 2\]** We're leaving in five minutes Got my purse and got my shoes Then he looks at me all serious Says, "I've gotta take a poo." OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, JED! It's every single outing It's a gastrointestinal plot Like his bowels have got a schedule That the rest of us have not! And his glasses? Lord have mercy Those poor things don't stand a chance He's broken so many pairs They should come with a finance plan He'll walk around all gorgeous With his Viking-looking face While his glasses need a funeral And he's pooping up the place! **\[Chorus\]** He's my hot Viking, hot mess Lord, that man's a test! Got a face that screams temptation And a digestive tract possessed I could kiss him till tomorrow I could pull him into bed But first I'll have to find some glasses And decipher what he said! Oh, my hot Viking, hot mess He's a beautiful disaster And the funniest part is He thinks I'm the crazy bastard! **\[Verse 3 — Playfully Spoken-Sung\]** Now let's discuss the cheese thing Because somebody has to know How a grown-ass man believed That cheese is born in little blocks! He said, "I thought cheese just came in cubes." ... Baby. What did you think a cow was doing? Playing fucking Tetris?! And don't get me started On his brilliant little pranks That man could make a horror film With a Sharpie and a tank! One night he's in the kitchen In the corner, standing still White T-shirt across his face With a monster drawn in black! I turn around and see him And my soul just leaves the room While he's standing there delighted Like a haunted, yet sexy, goon. **\[Bridge — Dramatic Circus Breakdown\]** And here's another mystery That science can't explain He's the most functioning raging alcoholic I've ever seen, I swear! Yet every single morning He gets himself all clean A shower every single day It's the strangest thing I've seen! And then there's little Allan Who he claims is "just okay" But the love is written on his face No matter what he'll say "He’s just a dog," he tells me Like he's far too tough to care But that proud-ass Viking melts Whenever Allan's standing there! **\[Final Chorus — Full Chaotic Band\]** He's my hot Viking, hot mess And I swear that man is fine! Even if he calls a bureau Something from another time He's got cheese-related questions Broken glasses by the score And a bowel that starts a countdown Every time we reach the door! He's my hot Viking, hot mess He's my personal comedy show A sexy, crazy, gorgeous man With a brain I'll never know! And if loving him is madness Well, I've clearly lost my mind 'Cause the man is fucking ridiculous But he's one hell of a find! **\[Outro — Spoken Over Accordion\]** Jed, baby? I love you. You're gorgeous. You're hilarious. You're genuinely one of a kind. ... But seriously... CHEESE?! **\[Music Stops\]** And why are you in the bathroom AGAIN?! **\[Final Circus Horn Blast\]**