Lyrics

(Intro – Trumpets blare, a royal fanfare) "Ahhh-hah-hah! Bow before your King! The flame-grilled sovereign! The sesame-seeded sultan! The beefy baron of taste!"

(Verse 1 – Strutting Swing Beat, Over-the-Top Delivery) I am the Whaaahhppper Kiiing! (rolls the R obnoxiously) Rrricher than bacon, sleeker than cheese, My flame-grilled majesty brings all to their knees! Lettuce so crisp, a regal delight, Tomatoes so fresh they GLOW in the night! No frozen patties, no clownish disguise, Unlike a certain golden-arched guy! (scoffs) And as for that girl with the pigtail’d hair? Tell her my lettuce has more flair!

(Chorus – Triumphant, Brassy, and Arrogant) Bask in my splendor! Ah-ha-ha! I’m juicy, I’m bold, I’m ROYALLY right! Bow to your ruler, the mightiest thing, For I am the one, the Grand Whopper Kiiing!

(Verse 2 – Slower, More Menacing, He’s Really Feeling Himself) I sit on a throne of fresh-baked brioche, No cardboard crowns—mine’s silk and gold brooch! I bathe in mayo, my riches untold, My onions are diced like sapphires and gold! Oh, Ronald? Oh, Wendy? Such pitiful foes, With processed patties and sad little shows! Their nuggets are weak, their burgers are dry, Their french fries? A joke! They barely apply!

(Chorus – Even MORE obnoxious, with extra rolling R’s) Bask in my splendor! Rrrrrroll out the feast! I’m juicy, I’m bold, I’m ROYALLY right! Bow to your ruler, the mightiest thing, For I am the one, the Grand Whopper Kiiing!

(Bridge – Dramatic Orchestral Build, Evil Villain Monologue) "Ohhh, my dear peasants, I see your hunger. You crave flavor! You crave substance! You crave... ME!" "Unlike those so-called rivals, I am NEVER frozen! I am flame-grilled perfection! I am—" (Suddenly, stomachs rumble... the crowd shifts... the music turns dark, jazzy, and sneaky...)

(Verse 3 – Frantic, Panicked, He’s Losing Control!) Wait—what is this? Why do you glare? You wouldn't dare—NOT THE BUN, NOT MY HAIR! You traitors! You fiends! I rule this land! Gaaaaah! They have me... in their hands! They tear me apart—nooo, my cheese! My lettuce unravels—spare me, pleeease! My own loyal fries betray me now, As I meet my fate with a ketchup-y bow!

(Final Chorus – Fading, Dying, His Last Words) Gasp at my splendor... (sob, cough) I was delicious, ambitious, now... fictitious... Once I was ruler, the tastiest thing, Now I am gone... but long live the king... (Splat! A single pickle drops as the last note rings out... silence... then a burp in the distance.)