Lyrics

Title: “Certified Stalker (You’re Mine Forever)”

(Intro)
Oh, you thought you could slip away? Cute.
I’m the face in your mirror, the beep on your street,
I’m here for the weirdest, creepiest meet-and-greet.
This ain’t just love — it’s a full-time hobby, baby!

(Verse 1)
I got your footprints mapped like a damn GPS,
Followin’ you around like a creepy-ass guest.
I’m in your backyard, hidin’ by the tree,
Got binoculars and snacks — baby, you’re all I see!

Saw you left your laundry out to dry,
So I took a shirt, just to keep nearby.
I got your voicemail saved as my ringtone,
Playin’ it on loop when I’m alone at home.

Oh, and you think you’re safe with curtains drawn?
I’m the fuckin’ shadow in your lawn!
Got a telescope with your name in view,
Can see what you’re watchin’ on Netflix too.

(Chorus)
I’m a certified stalker, crazy and proud,
In the bushes whisperin’ your name out loud.
Not just obsessed, I’m fully unhinged,
Got a life-size cutout of you in my fridge.
I’m the eyes you feel when you’re all alone,
Certified stalker, baby — your life is my zone!

(Verse 2)
You order a latte, I’m the barista in disguise,
Servin’ it up while I stare into your eyes.
Asked for almond milk? I already knew,
Got a list of your allergies on Post-its too!

Took your dog for a walk, yeah, I know his name,
I’ve been pet-sitting him on the sly — no shame.
You lock your doors, think you’re safe and sound?
I’m the breeze in the night, makin’ creaky sounds.

Got a camera on your Wi-Fi, trackin’ you daily,
Sent myself a friend request signed “Maybe?”
You delete my texts? Oh, I got a new phone,
And a burner, and an iPad — you’re never alone.

(Chorus)
I’m a certified stalker, crazy and proud,
In the bushes whisperin’ your name out loud.
Not just obsessed, I’m fully unhinged,
Got a life-size cutout of you in my fridge.
I’m the eyes you feel when you’re all alone,
Certified stalker, baby — your life is my zone!

(Bridge)
Followin’ you to work, got a fake ID,
Wearin’ a wig just to sit by your seat.
Got your entire lunch order memorized,
With a secret sauce that’s “surprise!” personalized.

I’m in your group chat, but you don’t know,
Sendin’ memes under a fake-ass profile, yo.
I comment “LOL” just to see you smile,
Plannin’ our wedding in my mind all the while.

Got a car that matches yours to a tee,
So when you look twice, you’re just lookin’ at me.
Changed my last name to match yours too,
Now we’re twins, baby — how’s that for a view?

(Chorus)
I’m a certified stalker, crazy and proud,
In the bushes whisperin’ your name out loud.
Not just obsessed, I’m fully unhinged,
Got a life-size cutout of you in my fridge.
I’m the eyes you feel when you’re all alone,
Certified stalker, baby — your life is my zone!

(Verse 3)
Oh, you got a new date? Well, guess who’s there?
I’m the valet park attendant, tryin’ not to stare.
Dropped a note in your car that says, “Think of me,”
Signed it with lipstick, added a heart emoji.

I’m the text from “Unknown” that says, “Sweet dreams,”