Lyrics

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{Intro – spoken, over banjo tuning}
[Well now, gather ‘round, youngins… and let me tell ya ‘bout the Romans. No, not the salad—though Caesar had his own beef...]
(pickin’ begins)


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{Verse 1}
🎶 Wherever you find Romans, you find dicks,
Struttin' through the ruins with their ego trips.
They built some roads and aqueducts,
But lord, the rest was power-hungry schmucks. 🎶

🎶 Togas flyin', swords held high,
“Civitas” this and “Domine” that guy...
Said they brought order, but what they meant was:
“Hand it all over—or we’ll end ya, ‘cause.” 🎶


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{Chorus}
🎶 Ohhhh, they conquered with flair,
But mostly just took what wasn’t theirs!
Statues with bits hangin’ out for kicks—
Yep, wherever you find Romans… you find dicks! 🎶


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{Verse 2}
🎶 Gladiators fightin' for a crowd’s applause,
While senators sat with their creepy-ass laws.
They loved their orgies, wine, and spears—
But don't mention the slaves or the bloody frontiers. 🎶

🎶 Nero fiddled while the city burned,
Caligula… well, that dude took some turns.
Julius got stabbed by his own ol’ clique—
Even Romans got sick of Roman schtick! 🎶


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{Chorus – repeat, faster}
🎶 Ohhhh, they paved the land,
But they stomped it too with an iron hand!
Left ruins, scrolls, and some Latin tricks—
But wherever you find Romans… you find dicks! 🎶


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{Bridge – fiddle solo with drunken “la la la”s}
🎻 (La la la la, la la la la...)
🎻 (Someone yell “HAIL!” in the background for fun)


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{Verse 3}
🎶 Now don’t get me wrong, they had some brains,
Philosophy, plumbing, and war campaign games.
But from Gaul to Greece, from sand to sticks,
Every empire's got its share of… egotists. 🎶

🎶 So here’s to history, loud and clear—
Rome left a legacy... and a trail of fear.
If you build a forum, maybe don't be a prick—
‘Cause we’ll still sing songs like this, real quick: 🎶


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{Final Chorus – with all instruments}
🎶 Ohhhh, they strutted in packs,
With columns and laws and stabby attacks!
Centurions, statues, and narcissist cliques—
Yeah wherever you find Romans...
🎶 (pause, pluck)
🎶 …you find dicks. 🎶


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[Outro – spoken]
That’s history, baby. Now pass the olives and mind your aqueducts.