Lyrics

Now this is a story all about RAMS
Randy Andy's life and his late-night jams
And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there
I’ll tell you how he became the king of the over-thirty snare

In West Sussex born and raised
On dating apps is where he spends most of his days
Swipin’ all night, gettin’ no rest
Poppin’ up in inboxes, half undressed
When a couple o' birds who were up to no good
Started sendin’ pics from the ol' neighbourhood
He got one little date and the bed was shared
Said, “I’ll be in your DMs if your legs ain’t impaired!”


He begged and he pleaded with a cheeky grin
She said, “You a dog!” — he said, “I always win.”
He gave it a go, shagged her on the spot
Right there on his mate’s sofa, still warm and hot
He whistled for an Uber, and when it came near
It smelled like regret and Prosecco and beer
If anything he could say that this night was rare
But he thought, "Nah, forget it — there's more out there!"


He pulls up to a flat around quarter past eight
And yelled to the girl, “Yo, I won't be late!”
Looked at his phone, another match — no lag
Another conquest for Randy the Male Slag!