Lyrics

[verse 1]
Sit down. I’s time we had a chat.
I’ve just got to speak the truth.
That’s right. I know a lot of words.
So much more than “bark” and “roof”.
After all the years I’ve lived here
How surprised are you to find
That your dog can talk like people do?
And it ain’t just in your mind.

[bridge]
Don’t act so shocked to hear me talk .
You must have guessed before…
Stop! What was that? I’ll be right back.
I think there’s someone at the door.

[instrumental]

[bridge]
I apologize. But that was
The mailman at the door.
I bark at him most every day
But he keeps comin back for more.

[chorus]
Well, I’ve seen all the things you do
When no one is around.
I’ve seen you when your guard is up
And when your pants are down.
You think man’s the higher species
And we’re just lowly mutts.
But it’s you who’s pickin poop up
From someone else’s butt.

[verse 2]
I’ve got some things I’d like to ask
Since you know that I can talk.
Why don’t you play fetch anymore,
Or take me on a walk?
And why is all the the food I eat
Dry kibble from a bag?
Or why my anus always shows
Every time that my tail wags.

[verse 3]
When you have people to the house
You blame all your farts on me.
And you choose my water fountain
When you need a place to pee.
Nearly every day you vanish
And leave me all alone.
So I just bark, cause I don’t know
If you’re ever coming home.

[Bridge]
You never even thanked me for
those gifts I left for you.
Like the dead squirrel on the back porch or the Turd inside your shoe.
I used to have some real nice balls.
This story’s kind of weird.
I fell asleep once at the vet
And when I woke they’d disappeared

[chorus]
Well, I’ve seen all the things you do
When no one is around.
I’ve seen you when your guard is up
And when your pants are down.
You think man’s the higher species
And we’re just lowly mutts.
But it’s you who’s pickin poop up
From someone else’s butt.

[instrumental]

[final verse]
You know I’m gettin on in dog years.
And my eyesight’s gettin poor.
But I still see your wiener wagglin’
When your bath towel hits the floor.
No! Please don’t stop to pick it up.
I don’t really want to see
Your hairy, pimpled butt crack or
Your brown eye stare at me.

[chorus]
Well, I’ve seen all the things you do
When no one is around.
I’ve seen you when your guard is up
And when your pants are down.
You think man’s the higher species
And we’re just lowly mutts.
But it’s you who’s pickin poop up
From someone else’s butt.

Yeah, I’ve seen all the things you do
When no one is around.
I’ve seen you when your guard is up
And when your pants are down.

[instrumental]

[outro]
When every day’s a dog day
Things can be little ruff.

[song ends]