THE BALLAD OF THE IRON GRIPPER

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THE BALLAD OF THE IRON GRIPPER A Wack Rats Production [Intro – spoken] Ladies and gentlemen… Hide your dignity. Lock up the lotion. And somebody check on DD… Because the legend has returned. THE IRON GRIPPER! [Verse 1] They call him Desert Dog out underneath the sun, But when the daylight disappears, the gripping has begun. He’s got a reputation that he never meant to earn, And every time we bring it up, his little cheeks just burn. He’ll drink a beer and talk some shit, pretend he doesn’t care, But mention Iron Gripper and he’s suddenly aware— That everybody knows the name, from here to Timbuktu, And DD’s sitting quietly like, “Goddammit, who told you?” [Pre-Chorus] He can run, he can hide, But the legend won’t die… Put your drinks in the air, boys— You know the battle cry! [CHORUS] IRON GRIPPER! Death grip champion of the night! IRON GRIPPER! Poor bastard squeezed away his pride! He used to have a hobby, Now his hobby filed for leave, Even his own right hand said, “Brother… give me room to breathe!” IRON GRIPPER! The Wack Rats know the name! DD built a legacy Of everlasting shame! [Verse 2] The doctor took one look at him and slowly shook his head, Said, “Whatever you’ve been gripping, son, just let that poor thing rest.” DD said, “Doc, I’m innocent!” We damn near hit the floor, Because the Iron Gripper’s told that lie A thousand times before. He bought ergonomic pillows, He tried meditation too, He even took up hobbies Just to find some shit to do. Built a model airplane, Started learning how to knit— But every time his hand curled up, He yelled, “DON’T FUCKIN’ DO IT!” [CHORUS] IRON GRIPPER! Death grip champion of the night! IRON GRIPPER! Poor bastard squeezed away his pride! He used to have a hobby, Now his hobby filed for leave, Even his own right hand said, “Brother… give me room to breathe!” IRON GRIPPER! The Wack Rats know the name! DD built a legacy Of everlasting shame! [Bridge – dramatic slow-down] Now some men leave behind a ranch… Some leave money… Some leave their children a proud family name… DD? DD left behind a warning. Never grip harder than your equipment can handle. [Band explodes back in] IRON! (GRIPPER!) IRON! (GRIPPER!) IRON! (GRIPPER!) Somebody hide his goddamn hands! [Final Chorus] IRON GRIPPER! He squeezed his way into history! IRON GRIPPER! A medical fuckin’ mystery! The Wack Rats raise their beers tonight, And DD hangs his head, Because every single person here Knows exactly what was said! IRON GRIPPER! There’s no escaping fame! You can change your clothes, You can leave the state— BUT YOU CAN’T OUTRUN THE NAME! [Outro – crowd chanting] IRON GRIPPER! IRON GRIPPER! IRON GRIPPER! (spoken) DD… congratulations. You finally became famous for something you wish nobody knew about. WACK RATS FOREVER!