Paying Interest

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[Intro] The house gets quiet, but my head don’t ever sleep [Verse 1] Dad’s old jacket still hangs behind the kitchen door I pass it every morning like I did the day before His coffee cup is chipped along the faded blue rim I keep moving through the rooms, but I still look for him I got a duffel in the closet with a country on the tag Names written in a notebook that I never learned to pack Some boys came home different, some boys never came home I carry every silence like a rifle made of stone [Pre-Chorus] I tell folks I’m doing fine, then I disappear awhile There’s a war behind my eyelids that can’t recognize a smile [Chorus] I smoke to forget my father’s face I drink so the old days lose their shape But the more I try to drown it, the louder it comes back Boots across the hallway, thunder in the black I’m stuck inside a place I never chose to know Cold, dark, empty, loud, and nowhere left to go If peace is waiting somewhere, it ain’t found me yet I’m still paying interest on a lifetime of regret [Verse 2] There’s a picture from Al Anbar folded underneath the bed Three of us are laughing, not knowing what came next One had a little daughter, one was saving for a truck One kept a lucky coin and swore it kept him tough I remember dust at sunset, red across the wire A radio went quiet and the whole world caught on fire I remember holding pressure where a heartbeat used to be Now every crowded room feels like it’s closing in on me [Pre-Chorus] I hear the kitchen floorboards, I hear the front gate slam Sometimes I wake up reaching for a name I never can [Chorus] I smoke to forget my father’s face I drink so the old days lose their shape But the more I try to drown it, the louder it comes back Boots across the hallway, thunder in the black I’m stuck inside a place I never chose to know Cold, dark, empty, loud, and nowhere left to go If peace is waiting somewhere, it ain’t found me yet I’m still paying interest on a lifetime of regret [Bridge] I’ve been calling this survival, but it feels like standing still A bottle on the counter, a prescription on the sill I don’t need another promise that tomorrow will be fine I need somebody steady when I’m losing track of mine So if you see me drifting, don’t just let me fade away Sit with me in silence till I make it through the day There’s a door inside this darkness, even if I can’t see And maybe asking for a hand is how I get back to me [Final Chorus] I smoked to forget my father’s face I drank so the old days would lose their shape But the truth keeps breaking through whatever I throw back Names inside the hallway, footsteps in the black I’m stuck inside a place I never chose to know Cold, dark, empty, loud, but I don’t have to stay below If peace is waiting somewhere, I’ll take one step tonight For my dad and for my brothers, I’ll keep walking toward the light [Outro] The house gets quiet, and my head still fights the sleep But I leave the porch light burning for the ones I couldn’t keep