Where the Grass Died

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[Verse 1] I’ve been riding this thing for a year now White knuckles, begging it to slow down Every time I thought we hit solid ground Something else came and turned it around So I swallowed the questions, swallowed the fights Swallowed what kept me awake every night Told myself, “Just forgive one more time” Maybe eventually we’d all be alright Jenna, you could cut me and call it love Pull me close, then decide I’m too much And somehow I kept making room for you While losing pieces of myself trying to [Pre-Chorus] And Jed, I kept saying, “I’ll get through this” Every site, every message, every new twist Every stranger who somehow got your attention While I was dying for half that connection [Chorus] So I surrender I don’t have another fight left in me I surrender I’m tired of begging you both to see What this has done, what this has cost How much of myself I already lost If loving you means disappearing forever Then I surrender [Verse 2] You keep looking over fences Like greener means it must be good While the yard you swore you’d build with me Was dying where you stood You said the grass looked yellow Like somehow that was proof That there was something better growing Anywhere but under our roof But you never fucking watered here You stopped tending what was ours You stared across at greener lawns While mine went weeks without a shower Yellow turned to brittle brown Roots gave up beneath your feet Then you pointed at the dying grass Like it somehow started with me [Verse 3] You abandoned me on our anniversary Of all the fucking days to choose A day that should’ve said, remember us Became the first official day I lost you And she made jokes about my babies The ones I never got to keep Turned something sacred from my body Into something cheap And somehow she still had your friendship Still had your ear, still had a chair And I had to stand there wondering How the man who loved me could allow her there She’d wind you up and point you toward me Then stand back while you took your shot Maybe it was all those little comments Or maybe those tits made you forget what you had [Chorus] So look at me now Heart broken in the dirt Still trying to understand How love became this hurt I kept forgiving things I should’ve never had to weather You didn’t lose something beautiful, Jed You stopped taking care of it altogether And I surrender Because I don’t have anything left You can call it complicated I just call it what it did to my chest I loved you while you wandered I loved you while I fell apart You were busy chasing greener grass While brown spread through my heart [Bridge] And maybe I became hard to talk to Maybe pain changed how I spoke Maybe after enough betrayal Every little sentence sounded like smoke But I was miscarrying and comforting you Tell me when did that become fair? When did I become responsible For everybody’s feelings but mine there? You said I made you feel alone You said I made you feel stupid And I carried those words like evidence That maybe I had ruined it While hookup sites and conversations And every possibility you chased Slowly taught the woman beside you That she was something you could replace And Jed and Jenna, maybe you don’t know it Maybe you haven’t seen it yet But there’s something you have between you That you may never be able to forget I don’t know if it’s love or damage I don’t know what you call it now But I know you found each other in the wreckage And I know you’re tied together somehow I am so tired of healing While the wound is still being made So tired of forgiving Before I’m allowed to feel betrayed [Breakdown] You didn’t find greener grass. You stopped watering ours. You didn’t suddenly lose me. You left me in pieces for months. You didn’t wake up to a dead garden. You watched it turn yellow. You watched it turn brown. And I was still standing there With the fucking hose in my hands. [Final Chorus] So I surrender Not because I stopped loving you That’s what makes this unbearable I still fucking do But love shouldn’t feel like begging For someone to notice you’re bleeding Love shouldn’t mean forgiving While the hurting is still repeating So keep whatever grass looks greener I hope someday you understand You had a whole life growing here And I would’ve watered it by hand But my heart is broken And I can’t resurrect us alone You cannot abandon the garden Then blame it for being overgrown I loved you through yellow I loved you through brown I loved you while everything We built was burning down But I cannot die beside it Just to prove I would’ve stayed forever So this time I’m putting down the hose. I surrender.