Grandpa’s Got a Plan

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[Intro] June 1st, 2027… Mark it on the calendar… Jim Peters is coming home! Grandpa said— “HELL NO!” [Verse 1] Jim Peters got a date circled on the wall, Two years locked up, waiting for the call, June second twenty-five, that’s where it began, Mustang went flying—straight into a house, man! Under the influence, that’s Jim’s specialty, Liquor and drugs, apparently endlessly, Everybody’s asking, “When’s he coming home?” Grandpa looked at me like, “Leave me alone!” [Chorus] Jim’s coming home, better hide the keys, Tell the neighbors and warn the family, He’s got a date, and Grandpa’s got a plan: “Not in my house, not if I can!” Jim’s coming home—well, that’s what they say, Grandpa’s changing every lock today! [Verse 2] There’s a fresh deadbolt on the kitchen door, Grandpa’s got a chair wedged under one more, Mama’s got the curtains pulled down tight, And the dog’s been practicing its “not tonight.” Aunt Sue says, “Maybe he has changed,” Grandpa says, “Then he can prove it—far away.” A calendar’s hanging where the whole town can see, One big red circle and a note: “Not me!” [Chorus] Jim’s coming home, better hide the keys, Tell the neighbors and warn the family, He’s got a date, and Grandpa’s got a plan: “Not in my house, not if I can!” Jim’s coming home—well, that’s what they say, Grandpa’s changing every lock today! [Bridge] June first rolls around, the porch light’s off, Grandpa’s got his boots on and his arms crossed, Then the phone rings once—he lets it ring twice, Says, “If that’s Jim, tell him the weather’s nice… Somewhere else.” [Final Chorus] Jim’s coming home, better hide the keys, Tell the neighbors and warn the family, He’s got a date, and Grandpa’s got a plan: “Not in my house, not if I can!” Jim’s coming home—well, that’s what they say, Grandpa’s changing every lock today! [Outro] June first, 2027… Mark it on the calendar… Jim Peters is coming home! Grandpa said— “HELL NO!”