
[mic slam, heavy breathing] I SWEAR. TO. GOD. every time I get in my car, I promise myself, ātoday Iām gonna stay calm.ā [beat pause] 10 SECONDS later Iām screaming at a Kia Soul like it just ran over my childhood dreams. [crowd laughs nervously] WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! WHO LET THEM OUT HERE?! [crowd laughs] theyāre braking for clouds! thereās NOTHING in front of them! Iām like, āyou good? you see a ghost?!ā [crowd howls] AND THE BLINKERSā use. your. BLINKERS. itās ONE FLICK, TODD. ONE! NOT AN ESSAY! NOT A PUZZLE! ITāS NOT A CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN-ADVENTURE! [crowd wheezes] every day I pass people texting, eating, doing their taxesā one lady was PAINTING HER NAILS. AT 70 MPH! Iām over here like, āCOOL, CAN YOU DO MY WILL WHILE YOUāRE AT IT?!ā [crowd dying] [leans in, whisper-yell] and donāt get me started on the people who drive slow in the fast lane. [screams] WHY! ARE! YOU! HERE!!! if youāre going 58 in the left lane, you should have to register as a public nuisance. [crowd howls] Iām behind them, twitching, plotting⦠thinking about inventing vehicular laser beams. just pew pew ā remove them from existence. [crowd loses it] then I pass them and itās some guy eating a granola bar with both hands. BOTH! HANDS! who taught you? who raised you? what tribe is this?! [crowd dying] [beat pause, panting] and parking lots? oh donāt even get me STARTEDā thatās where the truly unhinged gather. people driving diagonally across six lanes like geometryās a suggestion. moms in Suburbans backing up at the speed of light. Iām like, āthis is how dinosaurs went extinct.ā [crowd wheezes] I honk onceājust onceāand they look at me like Iām the problem. [shouts] NO, BRENDA, IāM HONKING BECAUSE I VALUE HUMAN LIFE!!! [crowd screaming laughter] [leans in, whispering, shaking] I park. turn the car off. breathe. think itās over. [beat pause] then someone swings their door into mine. [crowd groans] I swear, I see static in my vision. Iām like, āthis is it. this is my villain origin story.ā [crowd howls] [screaming crescendo] I HATE ALL OF YOU. but also, I AM YOU. [crowd dies laughing] I cut people off too! I speed! I roll stops! IāM THE MONSTER I FEAR!!! [crowd screaming applause] [leans in, whisper-tired] ā¦but I still hope everyone else on the road steps on a Lego. [crowd erupts, standing ovation, mic drop]
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