Pedro 2
dance, salsaLyrics
Warren stumbled back to his seat, “So I guess that’s it, we went over all the terms and conditions. No one’s ever gonna get a perfect bracket, so I can hold my million dollars. And now, emperor of the fucking omniverse here I come!”
“We come Warren, we come.”
Let’s just take a moment to avoid realizing how wrong that sounds. Pedro finally reached his hand out to finish the meeting, “Pleasure doing business with you guys.”
The two entrepreneurs responded gleefully, “Oh the pleasure is ours!”
Pedro exited the room silently and left behind his 10-year-old, glorious salmon tuxedo which he had worn to his first fisherman contest as a 12-year-old. Pedro had won the contest catching 45 basket fish which was well above the second-place finisher, Booby Buttcheese’s 29. The moment Pedro was out, Bezos and Buffett began releasing their salty urine and meaty feces all over Pedro’s cherished, childhood fishing relic.
Bezos and Buffett began unleashing showers of champagne all over the room while blasting Billionaire by Travis McCoy ft. Bruno Mars.
Bezos shouted joyfully as streaks of Krug Brut Vintage poured down his chin and drenched his hairy, stark-naked body, “Oh my god it’s finally gonna happen!”
Buffett nearly passed out while daydreaming about all the hot, foxy women he was gonna bang after he received the most unstoppable occupation. “Oh my god, Christina Brinkley awww yea!”
Bezos scoffed, “Huh this guy’s a boomer! I’m a cougar baby! A male cougar and I’ll have sex with Scarlett Johansson in a spider web! Man, I’m gonna have the best fun since divorcing that loser MacKenzie!”
Buffett looked at him wearily, “But weren’t you married to her for 25 years?”
Bezos grunted, “She’s a fucking loser!”
Pedro was ready to get to work. He had already practiced fishing ten days a week. And that’s not a typo, Pedro literally made sure a new law was passed stating that a week in America was ten days because Pedro had an obsession with things being multiples of five or ten. That’s why Pedro was pissed during Super Bowl 49 (other than Pete Caroll being an idiot and going for a passing play at the 1-yard line) and Super Bowl 51 (other than the Falcons blowing a 25-point lead), both times destroying his TV by tossing it into a landfill and obliterating all of his prized, autographed Super Bowl footballs with TNTs.
Before the last fishing contest, Pedro had searched for a prized platinum trout, this time he figured he would search for something else, perhaps the once-in-a-million…
Pedro logged onto his $13 billion dollar, ruby-colored MacBook Galaxy 2 and searched for “rare fishes” on his advanced search engine, Googleplex. The list of “fishes” were the European Sea Sturgeon, Smalltooth Sawfish, Kissing Loach, Giant Sea Bass…
“Man this is too easy, I really need a challenge!” Pedro shouted.
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