Nine Before She's Ruined

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RED PILL GOTCHAS Theatrical musical comedy | Satirical piano-pop [Intro – Cheerful piano, game show host] Welcome to Red Pill Gotchas! Where every woman is a gold digger, Every man is an alpha, And every failed relationship... Is somehow feminism's fault! Today's sponsors? Insecurity! Double standards! And a podcast microphone! [Verse 1 – Bouncy piano] "Women only want your money!" Well, that's a bold claim, friend! But if you've got no cash to speak of, What's she after in the end? "Women only date the winners!" Well, what a funny view, You call yourself a high-value man, But what's the value in you? You measure love in dollar signs, And romance by your pay, Then wonder why your relationships Feel like bills you have to pay! [Chorus – Overly cheerful] Red pill gotchas! What a lovely show! You've got women all figured out, From a podcast bro! Call it truth, call it science, Call it nature, call it fate, But a stereotype's a stereotype, Even when you call it great! Oh, red pill gotchas! What a grand display! You can't demand respect from women While you talk their worth away! [Verse 2 – Fast, sarcastic] "A woman's past defines her worth!" Well, isn't that divine? A man can sleep with fifty women, But she's ruined after nine? He's a king, she's a problem, He's admired, she's a shame! Same behaviour, different judgment, But somehow that's not the same? "Women hit the wall at thirty!" Well, that's a curious rule! You think birthdays make them worthless, Like expired milk at school? You want a young and perfect partner, Who'll never grow or change, But when you start to lose your hair, It's wisdom with some age! [Chorus] Red pill gotchas! What a lovely show! You've got women all figured out, From a podcast bro! Call it truth, call it science, Call it nature, call it fate, But a stereotype's a stereotype, Even when you call it great! [Verse 3 – Mock lecture] "Women always choose the bad boys!" Well, let's inspect that claim! If your ex picked someone awful, Does that mean they're all the same? You had one bad relationship, Now you've written every rule! Turned a heartbreak into research, And your anger into school! "Women don't know what they want!" Well, that's a funny take! You're asking them to love you, While you call them all a mistake! You say women are too emotional, That logic makes you wise, Then throw a fit when one rejects you, And call her love a lie! [Verse 4 – Fake commercial jingle] Introducing ALPHA MALE! Now with twice the pride! Tells you he's a natural leader, While his ego needs a guide! "Real men must be dominant!" "Real women must obey!" He calls it being traditional, She calls it walking away! You want a woman independent, But dependent on your rules, Strong enough to raise your children, Weak enough to follow you! [Music stops] So... independent, But only with permission? Right. [Verse 5 – Fast, playful] "Women have it easy!" Well, easy compared to what? You can't compare two lives, By the struggles that you've got! Men have real problems, Women have them too, One person's pain ain't cancelled By the pain that happened to you! "Women only date tall men!" Well, some might have that taste, But turning someone's preference Into proof of gender hate? If someone doesn't want to date you, That's their right to choose, And you can have your standards, Without making others lose! [Bridge – Frantic, overlapping voices] Women want money! Women want looks! Women want bad boys! That's what I read in books! Women are weak! Women control men! Women can't think! But they're plotting again! [Sudden silence] Wow. That's a lot of power For someone you say can't think. [Verse 6 – Piano slows, sincere] If somebody broke your heart, You have every right to grieve, But pain doesn't give you proof Of what all women think or need. Some people lie and cheat, Some people love and care, You won't learn who's standing near you By the gender that they wear. You don't have to hate a woman To stand up for a man, And you don't have to shame a man To lend a woman your hand. [Final Chorus – Big, uplifting] Red pill gotchas! What a lovely show! You can blame the world for heartbreak, But there's still room to grow! Call it truth, call it science, But the lesson stays the same: You can't fight for equal treatment While deciding who's to blame! No red pill gotchas! No misandry exceptions! Just respect for every person, In every single direction! [Outro – Spoken, piano] Women aren't a hive mind. Men aren't walking bank accounts. Love isn't a market. And people aren't products. If your dating advice begins with "All women are..." [Pause] Maybe the problem isn't women. Maybe it's your advice. [Cheerful piano chord] Thanks for watching!