Hills As The Old

Lyrics

(Verse 1) Woke up sore from sleepin’ wrong — All I did was nap too long My back said snap, my knees said crunch, My breakfast pills outnumber lunch I got a fridge with nothin’ inside But takeout menus and expired pride Hair’s migrating off my head Starting a village on my back instead (Chorus) I’m gettin’ old, and feelin’ weird Grew a second eyebrow in my ear No friends left — they disappeared Or joined a cult, or got real spiritual Now I talk to the mailman way too much And I flirt with my slow cooker just for touch Life gave me lemons, I lost the zest But I’m still here — dressed and depressed (Verse 2) Tried online dating, what a trip Matched with a bot named “Soggy Chip” Told me I was hot, then asked for cash I said, “Darlin’, I got nothin’ but rash” I used to party, I used to shine Now I text “LOL” and mean it fine No one calls, no knocks, no clout Even the Jehovah’s Witness phased me out (Chorus) Yeah I’m gettin’ old, but I still got sass And a membership card for colon class No friends call, not even spam Except for Brenda from “Medicare Plan” I say “back in my day” like it’s a threat And I weep when soup is all I get But I got style — just ask my cat He left once. Came back. Regretted that. (Bridge) They say “age is just a number” I say “so’s my blood pressure” I got vitamins labeled A through Z And a drawer for mystery keys I laugh at death and flirt with naps My joints make beats when I try to clap (Verse 3) Now don’t feel bad, don’t send a card Just Venmo snacks to my junkyard yard I’m not bitter — I’m well preserved Like a Twinkie nobody deserved So here’s to aches and zero plans To friends who ghosted and ghostly fans I raise my glass of warmish tea To me, myself, and my damn knee (Final Chorus) Yeah I’m gettin’ old, and it’s kinda dumb Still yellin’ at kids to stop havin’ fun My last good chair just gave me sass And my sweatpants now have formal class No friends show — I don’t blame ‘em much I’m the life of the party with a walker’s touch So I sit, I fart, I check the net — Not dead. Not cool. But ain’t gone yet. (Outro) I’m gettin’ old. Feelin’ it. And friends? None. But I got this sandwich. And we vibin’.