Silence Is What Leaving Does

Lyrics

[Verse 1] I’m thirty-eight, the rent is paid by Mom Her hallway knows the shape of every lie Pills in the pocket of my winter coat I call it getting through, you called it dying slow You learned the sound my key made in the door The careful way to ask what I had taken I turned your questions into courtroom fires Then kissed your forehead like an alibi [Pre-Chorus] You said, “Please, grow up, I can’t carry two” I heard an insult in the truth You held a mirror; I broke the glass And blamed you for the cuts I had [Chorus] Now your name is missing from the argument No slammed door, no “where have you been?” You stopped fighting like the fight was love And I found out silence is what leaving does I’d trade this room, this bed, this borrowed life For one more chance to hear you say I’m lying But you spent three years trying to pull me through Now I’m sober enough to know I lost you [Verse 2] I made a promise Tuesday, broke it Friday Made you prove the things you already knew When you cried, I called it manipulation When you left, I said the leaving came from you Your toothbrush is gone from the blue ceramic cup The nail you painted red is growing out I walk past every place you asked for mercy Like a man who finally reads the warning out loud [Pre-Chorus] You said, “Get clean, get up, get your own key” I said the world was cruel to me You begged for change; I changed the subject Then called your patience something I was owed [Chorus] Now your name is missing from the argument No slammed door, no “where have you been?” You stopped fighting like the fight was love And I found out silence is what leaving does I’d trade this room, this bed, this borrowed life For one more chance to hear you say I’m lying But you spent three years trying to pull me through Now I’m sober enough to know I lost you [Bridge] I want to say the pills made me a stranger But I was there each time I made the choice I want to say you should have stayed forever But love is not a sentence without parole If you ever hear this, don’t come save me I finally know what saving cost you Take the quiet, take the morning Take the life I kept refusing you [Final Chorus] Now your name is missing from the argument No second chance hidden in the hall You stopped fighting, and the house went still I can hear every promise I killed I’d trade this room, this bed, this borrowed life For the woman I kept asking to survive me You spent three years trying to pull me through Now I’m sober enough to know I’m sober enough to know I lost you [Outro] Mom asks if I’m expecting you tonight I say no, and she doesn’t ask me why Your silence is the first truth I can’t undo I lost you