Kevin Says He Ran a Marathon

Lyrics

[Verse 1] Kevin walks in holding one drink too many Claims he’s built like a champion, feeling strong and ready Myers says, “Kevin, buddy, where’d you disappear?” Kevin points toward the doorway: “Training happened here!” [Pre-Chorus] He’s got a tiny little wiener in a novelty disguise And a story getting taller every time he tells the guys No water in the cooler, just another round to pour While he texts Ray Ray from accounts he made before [Chorus] Kevin says he ran a marathon, six miles is what he did He tells it like a victory, grinning like a kid Kevin says he ran a marathon, the numbers never stay He’s texting Ray Ray from a different name again today Hey Kevin, take a breath, put the phone away Six miles is still six miles, and that’s okay [Verse 2] He talks to Myers in the corner like a coach beside the track “My pace was absolutely perfect, though my knees are shot to black” He skips the water station, says hydration’s overrated Then orders something amber and calls the finish line celebrated [Pre-Chorus] The group chat starts exploding with receipts from every side Ray Ray gets a message from a stranger Kevin’s tried “My name is definitely Kevin”—that was not a clever clue Three accounts and one old profile all spelling “how are you?” [Chorus] Kevin says he ran a marathon, six miles is what he did He tells it like a victory, grinning like a kid Kevin says he ran a marathon, the numbers never stay He’s texting Ray Ray from a different name again today Hey Kevin, take a breath, put the phone away Six miles is still six miles, and that’s okay [Bridge] Myers says, “Buddy, listen, you can tell the honest truth You ran six miles, you skipped the water, you’re confusing booze with juice” Kevin raises up his glass and says, “The spirit’s what counts!” Then forgets which account he used and sends another announcement [Final Chorus] Kevin says he ran a marathon, six miles is what he did He tells it like a victory, grinning like a kid Kevin says he ran a marathon, let the record plainly say: He made it six whole miles and still found twelve new ways to brag today Hey Kevin, take a breath, put the phone away Drink some water, tell the truth, and call it quite a day [Outro] Myers is laughing, Ray Ray’s blocking every name Kevin’s tiny wiener joke survives, but the marathon claim is tame Six miles, one tall tale, and a phone lit up all night Kevin finally drinks some water—well, maybe after one more bite