Dan2

Lyrics

[mic slam, heavy breathing]
I SWEAR. TO. GOD.

every time I get in my car, I promise myself, “today I’m gonna stay calm.”
[beat pause]
10 SECONDS later I’m screaming at a Kia Soul like it just ran over my childhood dreams.
[crowd laughs nervously]

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! WHO LET THEM OUT HERE?!
[crowd laughs]

they’re braking for clouds! there’s NOTHING in front of them!
I’m like, “you good? you see a ghost?!”
[crowd howls]

AND THE BLINKERS—
use. your. BLINKERS.

it’s ONE FLICK, TODD. ONE!
NOT AN ESSAY! NOT A PUZZLE! IT’S NOT A CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN-ADVENTURE!
[crowd wheezes]

every day I pass people texting, eating, doing their taxes—
one lady was PAINTING HER NAILS.
AT 70 MPH!
I’m over here like, “COOL, CAN YOU DO MY WILL WHILE YOU’RE AT IT?!”
[crowd dying]

[leans in, whisper-yell]
and don’t get me started on the people who drive slow in the fast lane.
[screams]
WHY! ARE! YOU! HERE!!!

if you’re going 58 in the left lane, you should have to register as a public nuisance.
[crowd howls]

I’m behind them, twitching, plotting…
thinking about inventing vehicular laser beams.
just pew pew — remove them from existence.
[crowd loses it]

then I pass them and it’s some guy eating a granola bar with both hands.
BOTH! HANDS!
who taught you? who raised you? what tribe is this?!
[crowd dying]

[beat pause, panting]
and parking lots?
oh don’t even get me STARTED—
that’s where the truly unhinged gather.

people driving diagonally across six lanes like geometry’s a suggestion.
moms in Suburbans backing up at the speed of light.
I’m like, “this is how dinosaurs went extinct.”
[crowd wheezes]

I honk once—just once—and they look at me like I’m the problem.
[shouts]
NO, BRENDA, I’M HONKING BECAUSE I VALUE HUMAN LIFE!!!
[crowd screaming laughter]

[leans in, whispering, shaking]
I park.
turn the car off.
breathe.
think it’s over.
[beat pause]
then someone swings their door into mine.
[crowd groans]

I swear, I see static in my vision.
I’m like, “this is it. this is my villain origin story.”
[crowd howls]

[screaming crescendo]
I HATE ALL OF YOU.

but also, I AM YOU.
[crowd dies laughing]

I cut people off too! I speed! I roll stops!
I’M THE MONSTER I FEAR!!!
[crowd screaming applause]

[leans in, whisper-tired]
…but I still hope everyone else on the road steps on a Lego.
[crowd erupts, standing ovation, mic drop]