Thirty-Eight and Tethered

Lyrics

[Verse 1] I’m thirty-eight in the mirror Still living like I’m borrowed Her voice in every hallway Her need in every wall Dad got sick in slow motion Bed rails, pills, and pale light I learned to stand real quiet I learned to call that right [Pre-Chorus] She said, “It’s love, it’s duty” I said, “Yeah, I know” But every yes got heavier And every year said no [Chorus] I was her good son That was the trap I was her good son And I can’t go back I gave her my whole life She called it love I stayed too long Now I’m not enough [Verse 2] I had my own dark weather White lines and empty mornings Hiding in old excuses Counting my shame in quarters She’d cry and I would fold in She’d sigh and I would stay there Her grief became a kingdom And I was built to pay there [Pre-Chorus] She said, “After all I gave you” Like debt was tenderness I wore her guilt like bandages And called it selflessness [Chorus] I was her good son That was the trap I was her good son And I can’t go back I gave her my whole life She called it love I stayed too long Now I’m not enough [Bridge] Dad, you were the silence She filled it with a chain I kept mistaking mercy For a life inside her name Now I see the checkout The years I never chose A man can die at thirty-eight Long before the body goes [Final Chorus] I was her good son That was the trap I was her good son And I can’t go back I gave her my whole life She called it love I stayed too long Now I’m not enough I’m not her son I’m not that boy I’m forty’s edge And out of joy