“Pokémon and Divorce Court”

Lyrics

So yeah… me and my wife started collecting Pokémon again.
[pause]
It was supposed to be cute.
You know… a wholesome little hobby — “let’s open some packs together, babe!”
[crowd laughs]

At first, it was cute.
We’d sit on the couch, candles lit, sharing a pack like it’s a bottle of wine.
[beat pause]

Then she started doing this thing… where she hides the cards and makes me guess what she pulled.
[crowd chuckles]

I’m sitting there like, “Babe, what’d you get?”

And she’s like, “Hmm… it’s shiny…”
[pause]

“Okay, cool, is it a trainer or a full art?”

“I’m not telling you yet 😏”
[crowd laughs]

And I’m like, “No, seriously. SHOW ME THE CARD.”
[crowd howls]

She’s giggling, I’m over here sweating like a day-trader.
[leans in]
Bro, she turned my serotonin hit into a riddle.
[pause, crowd laughs]

Then she pulls a hit — a gold Arceus VSTAR — and I’m like, “Aww yeah! OUR pull!”
[beat pause]

She goes, “Actually, it was from my pack.”
[crowd laughs, groans]

I said, “Oh word? So now we’re dividing assets?”
[crowd wheezes]

Next thing you know, I’m hiding my ETBs under the bed like a side chick.
[crowd roars]

She’s like, “What’s that box?”
I’m like, “Nothing! Just some tools… for my mental health!”
[crowd laughs]

I started labeling my sleeves: “DO NOT TOUCH — OPENING SCHEDULED FOR SUNDAY, 3PM — SOLO MISSION.”
[crowd dies laughing]

It’s bad, man.

I used to think addiction was ugly — but this is like domestic Pokémon warfare.

We’re sitting there, side by side, opening packs in total silence.
Just two adults… one marriage… zero trust.
[crowd laughs, applause builds]

[leans in]
And I realized —

Pokémon didn’t ruin my marriage.

It just exposed who we really are.

[pause, long beat]
She’s a hoarder…
and I’m a control freak with booster-related anxiety.
[crowd howls]

[sips water]
But hey… at least we’re spending time together.
[crowd cheers, lights fade]