Hilltop Memories, Heartstrings Singing

Lyrics

First memory I actually remember is being in Cathy‘s house seeing a red King cobra it was a statue of some sword, but that’s something that comes to mind. I remember the hilltop apartments where my mother and my Aunt Kathy chose to live. I remember opening up a drawer and seeing my father‘s state trooper badge and knowing that medicine, my father, bring me home a snake a microscope and putting my finger to look at my blood my mother gagging our dog, Brandy, which was a copper spaniel as that dog bit. me and my sister at the hilltop Apartments sledding down a hill on a toboggan for her to break her arm on a car going to my aunt Mari‘s house who had a pool and my brother putting on a pink panther floaty and jumping in the pool and almost drowning, and my mother coming to save his life, but she couldn’t swim herself my sister, Danielle, brother, Lynn, and myself moving to a place where my mother getting a phone call and that man saying that he was going to kill all of us then going to Cambria Circle where we met dumpy and Rolland. My first encounter with the ghetto than myself watching my brother on the monkey bars, hanging to fall on his face to get a hematoma on his head, thinking he was going to die, and then Next riding my sister‘s pink girls bike, Huffy, where I learn how to ride a bike by myself Being in my room and asking my father, if I could go with him to California. For us, children getting calls. Early in the morning from our father and knowing that he was at a payphone, checking in on us to one day getting on a Trailways bus and going to California. To San Francisco, the golden gate wide, My mother brought three kids, with no place to hide. An orange bridge? Yeah, I was a little disappointed, But the city had dreams that we surely anointed. Then we met the Huffs, our very first friends, Back in those days, where the story bends. Lynn Lynn spelled it out—R-U-N, I ran like hell just to have some fun. A sad lesson struck, a cruel game played, For two young boys, with none to aid. Missing mummy, the sacrifice made, Through all the hurt, our spirits stayed brave. Never mind me and my brother are here to stay have a brothers. Ones you can’t play. Playing with fire mistakes man cast iron skillet. Nowhere to play February 23, 1987 to St. Vincent‘s. School for boys. You would’ve thought I committed treason. Perspective given I was one of 60 boys in a cage with 59 Pitbulls and I’m the Chihuahua. Game over lesson learned trust nobody no one you can trust they all could be burned. New chapter onto the next kind of make my mark with nothing to look forward to or bless. Years ago by feeling nothing but numb wanting my father’s approval that was nothing but dumb. Living my life for others not me thought. I was always right to be wrong. Fuck me! Lies and deceit. My whole life would be for my brother to struggle without me to get a text. Just say something just like that I summon it up to manipulation. Why did you do that? I’ll give you this moment so you can be heard on to Dozie’. Here’s your open word. I know. And I can say a lot. Provide explanations. Kick this down the road. I know what I want. I know what it requires and what the reward is. Still at some point I minimize the out come long enough to get a bag and the I just can't stop. I become fixated on getting high and having and seeking sex It is insane. It defies all logic. I could say so many things. They all become irrelevant once I pick up. I am accountable for it because make the decision to use in the first place. I am not trying to make excuses. This is what I experience. It's not good enough. It's not reasonable or rational. I don't think it's right or fair. I'm saying I know it worries and hurts you. The only way I know to stop it even temporarily is to go to program. Once I get two weeks to 30 days. Ideally 60-90. I will get into the routine of being sober. Get into a headspace of recovery And have time to create the community that will support in doing daily maintenance as needed. My only chance is to get clean and finally not make the completely baffling fucking choice to reignite this cycle. All this is why I insist you think about what boundaries you require. You are coming from a place I think is based in giving what you wanted but never got and not allowing yourself to receive the forgiveness and peace you deserve. You don't have to accept my doing self destructive things or the blatant disrespect if not making time for your calls when your worried because to busy being a drug addict. Boundaries are the space you provide yourself so you can live yourself and someone else. So if you need TJ know that doing takes care of me when you're feeling that being codependent is the highest form of love. Know that having boundaries protects me from you ending up at the only rational choice of resenting me. That would really ruin our friendship. If you woke up and couldn't even look at me you were so disappointed. I tell myself at least I responded to y