ALL DEPARTMENTS, PLEASE HOLD

Lyrics

[INTRO – Upbeat comedy-pop. Female lead is exhausted but cheerful. Phones ring, emails ping, landlord knocks.] [FEMALE.] Dear Universe… WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS WEEK? [VERSE 1.] Rent, electricity, phone, car tax, everybody wants something at once. I’m not hiding, I’m fixing it. I’ve sent the information, answered the emails and corrected the mistakes. The landlord situation nearly threatened my home, but we finally talked, checked the facts and he understood. [LANDLORD.] “Okay.” [FEMALE.] THANK YOU! One crisis down! [CHORUS.] Everybody please hold! Take a number, join the line! I’m fixing my whole fucking life one verification at a time! Linde, Svea, landlord, telephone, car, everybody wants me NOW! I’m not avoiding anything, but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU ALL ARRIVE AT ONCE? [VERSE 2.] Linde Energi threatens disconnection over an invoice I’ve already paid and sends me to Svea. Svea doesn’t answer for days. I call. She can’t answer my questions. “Someone responsible will call you.” Nobody calls. Two days later Linde asks, “Have you paid?” YES! Suddenly Svea wakes up, emails again, first wants money twice, then finally corrects it. [FEMALE.] Amazing! Somebody verified something! [CHORUS.] Everybody please hold! Check the information before requesting payment twice! I actually enjoy having electricity. Cooking food, turning on lights and watching TV are surprisingly useful hobbies! [VERSE 3.] Then my phone stops working on the SAME FUCKING DAY. Why? Nine kronor couldn’t be charged from my card. Nine! I didn’t even know that tiny charge was coming that day. Another bill was already paid, so I thought the notification belonged to that. Nope! Apparently it was Nine-Kronor-or-Your-Phone-Dies Day! Perfect timing when everybody desperately needs to call me. [FEMALE.] Universe, I’ll admit it. That was funny. [VERSE 4 – Game-show music.] Transportstyrelsen enters with car tax! But THIS ONE I caught in time. Took the car off the road before the big bill became another disaster. Now it’s only three hundred and change. [GAME-SHOW VOICE.] POINT TO TALLIE! [FEMALE.] And after losing my licence before summer for doing fifty-nine, thank God I wasn’t a few kilometres faster. Two months without it, got it back, still have the car. NEXT! [BRIDGE.] Meanwhile Försäkringskassan has been reviewing my income case since spring. Now it’s “please have patience until October.” Old income calculations, payments from another period, money that may need correcting. Funny how money FROM me has express delivery while money TO me travels by carrier pigeon. [FEMALE.] Universe, are we playing Fia med knuff or financial chess? PICK A GAME! [BREAKDOWN.] And the money that could actually calm this circus? Pending for over a month. First bank verification took weeks. Then the withdrawal. Now another Relevant Department has to approve the payment. [SUPPORT.] “Please be patient.” [FEMALE.] I’M BECOMING A PROFESSIONAL AT PATIENCE! [FINAL CHORUS.] Everybody please hold! Linde, Svea, landlord, phone, Transportstyrelsen, Försäkringskassan, GET IN LINE! I’m correcting my life one bill, one email, one ridiculous crisis at a time! I’m not losing everything because five departments discovered me in the same fucking week! Universe keeps playing Fia med knuff, knocking Tallie out, but I come back like the last chess knight on the board! Check! Correct! Verified! NEXT! If “relevant” is the word of the week, here’s something relevant too: I’M STILL FUCKING HERE! [OUTRO – Hold music.] [FEMALE.] Dear Universe, I’ll fix this too. But next week… maybe flowers? [EMAIL PING.] “Please allow additional time.” [FEMALE.] …Of course.